Death of the Butterfly

Many moons ago, I wrote herein about my tendency to flap about like a butterfly. The truth is, I never really conquered that, until now. The butterfly is dead. Finally.


Sorry pal... (click to download hi-res free from MorgueFile)

This isn't a New Year resolution. Don't do those. Leading up to New Year, I have been planning all the things I want to do next year. There is a list. Nothing else is allowed on that list until something completes (or I bin it in a big hissy fit). I will allow left-field antics to jump in on an opportunistic basis but only if they are clearly more desirable that the stuff on the list and I'm happy to bin something.

The only issue is that it is a pretty big list. It has to be, otherwise I'd let new stuff appear.

I'm mentioning this here purely so @manicmorff and @stuartamdouglas can keep an eye on me. And also because I just caught myself researching writing a REST API based widget dofer for 30 seconds and had to give myself a row. It worked. The butterfly is dead.

24 Hour Movie Challenge - My Entry

I'm sure my reader would easily have guessed about 75% of these or more. I stayed honest and went for my favourites films to watch, rather than those I pretend to like for the purposes of appearing cool. It was a struggle, I think I need to know about 48 hours before I go as I've had to cut out too many good films.

The Big Lebowski
You need to get off to a flier and I thought I'd start with probably my favourite film. I think there is a Facebook group called something like "I judge people by their appreciation of The Big Lebowski" - couldn't agree more. If you haven't seen it, well, come now. Get on with it. I need to know what I think of you.

Just to show how great the dialogue it, it still very funny performed by 3 animated rabbits. Obviously, contains very strong language.

117 minutes used so far.



...And Justice For All
There are many great Pacino films to choose from, Dog Day Afternoon, Serpico etc etc but this has always been my fave. Probably not as famous as his other performances (although he did get an Oscar nomination for it). It's a slightly offbeat lawyer/courtroom thing with many great moments and a fabulous ending. Top (ahem) trivia fact, when I was starting writing The Beatle Man, I made Danny a lawyer because of this film.



119 minutes, 236 used so far.
Star Trek II - Wrath of Khan
When a film is this good when you are 12, it will stay with you all your life. And, here in the (pretend) last hours of mine, it is only fitting that it should take it place. All of us of a certain vintage have a soft spot for this film. And those that haven't only say they haven't.

Altogether now...



( you have totally ignore the fact that Kirk had no reason to go this radge coz, unlike the viewer, he knew he was getting out of the cave... oh, never mind... )
113 minutes, 349 minutes used so far.
Apollo 13
Yes, yes, I know, I'm predictable. I'm ready for your ridicule, I don't care. It's a great film of a great story.



140 minutes, 489 minutes used so far. I may get up and stretch my legs.
Goodfellas
You could easily go for a number of Scorcese films but this is my favourite (as measured by the number of times I've watched it).



146 minutes, 635 minutes used so far.
Aliens
Having recently seen Avatar, I was tempted to throw it in in place of this. But I have to stay loyal to a film I have watched a bizillion times and pretty much know off by heart. It's flawed, looks a little dated these days but is still a lot of fun.



137 minutes, 772 minutes used.
Zulu
I think I was about 11 when I first saw Zulu. I remember being fairly blown away by it then. I suppose now it shows its age a little but it is still a great film. It is a great story although made bigger than it really was by a need to gloss over what had happened at Isandlwana the day before. To a certain extent, the film is guiltly of continuing this. No matter, still love it, one of the first films I got on Blu Ray.



138 minutes, 910 minutes used.
Inglourious Basterds
It is incumbent with all "Best of..." type things that they get skewed towards the now. There is no reason why this should be any different. One of my favourite films of the year (with A Serious Man and Avatar) but this makes the list ahead of them just for the Cat People scene alone. Just brilliant cinema. I would love to have gone with A Serious Man but, frankly, I couldn't bring myself to watch it on my death bed. Not without a Rabbi handy anyway.



153 minutes, 1063 minutes used.
Silence of the Lambs
This is a firm fave of my beloved wife and I. It's the romance you see? Anyway, dunno who many times we've watched it but she always wins the 'spouting the dialogue' competition ( I can kick her arse with every other film in his list ). Personal reasons aside, it's a great film. I totally loved the twisty bit first time I saw it and, more top trivia, it was the kind of thing I tried (and didn't quite manage) in The Beatle Man. This film made me try though.


Pure West Virginia...
146 minutes - 1209 minutes used.
Gladiator
Another big fave of me and the missus. You gotta love that epic Roman romp thing. I just wish it had been made with the original ending. My name is Gladiator...



155 minutes - 1364 minutes used.
Life of Brian
I nearly had A Matter of Life and Death as my last film, coz it's great. But it's maybe a wee bit too much about heaven and the like.
I liked the idea of "Bright Side of Life" being the song that sung me unto my death, so that had to be last. I also like the final irony of the fact that, as I've gone 18 minutes over 24 hours, I might die before the song. That's not the only reason though. A few scenes can still make a laugh a lot, especially this one.



94 minutes - 18 minutes too much!

So, there it is, another list I'd probably change tomorrow. Really regretted leaving a large number out but I stuck to my guns and didn't go all cool for the sake of appearances.

And with that, I sign off the blog for 2009. Happy New Year all.

Review of 2009 Goals

The time has come to see how I did against my goals for 2009.

1. Throw Some Stuff Out
As previously reported, this went well, although their remains much to do. The garage still has to be reclaimed. But work has started on recovering some storage space.

2. A Great Photo
Still don't think I nailed it but had a lot of fun taking photos this year.

3. A Complete First Draft
I gave up on this fairly early on this year. There is now a very robust writing plan for next year and a shiny new iMac to write on in a lovely yellow study with fairy stickers on the wall. There can be no more excuses. I still have doubts about Terra Exitus but I'm going to give it a serious go...

4. Sell Film Rights for The Beatle Man
This one was only ever here as a joke. I still think there is a good episode of Taggart in there though.

5. Spend Less Money
Well, this was a largely a fail but there was some sensible spending and the house is a lot better and we had a nice holiday.

6. Lose Weight
Panic set in after going to Italy. I was back to a record high weight. So I went on a bit of a diet and it worked. I've taken a few backward steps over Christmas but I have found hitherto undiscovered discipline and can stop eating chocolate at will and have found a taste for muesli. Who knows, I might even do some exercise.

7. Time Division Multiplexing
Needs more work but I have a plan, so that's a start.

8. No Alarms
Fingers crossed. We're alarm free.

9. The Photo Project
Approaching the start of success of a sort. I got the website live and started the first projects and got an excellent response with a large number of photos donated. I'll be building the first book very soon. Which is quite exciting really. Thanks to all who have helped and supported.

10. More Writing
I did the sensible thing for this year. I gave up. Going to start afresh with a gang of four separate things to write. I'm working on the basis that I might just be arsed with one of them at any given time. I'm already 25% through one and 80% through another so it's not that high a hill to climb.

I'm not going to set any specific goals for 2010. As blog content goes, I'm finding it a little dull. I know what I want to write, I might need to think about a new job at some point but other than that, I'm just going to try and relax and enjoy myself. Something I'm traditionally not all that good at.

Oh, and next year, I will be mostly 40... more on that later no doubt.

24 Hours to Live Movie Marathon

I struggled for about 23 seconds to come up with my regular (ahem) end of year blog meme. Could I top the previous success (ahem) of the Desert Island C90 at the end of 2008 or the infinitely forgettable Best Album Tracks of 2007 (or the Amazon £50 challenge I chucked in at some point)? Shouldn't be hard, some might say.

This year, I thought I would stay away from music and try something in movies. So here it is...

You have 24 hours to live. What films are you going to watch to fill the time? Yes, yes, I know, you'd want to spend your time the family/high class hookers etc but work with me here... it's just a game, go with it.

Once again, I've made this take so incredibly long that only the deranged/devoted/bored will be bothered giving it a go. Again, you have to think about value for time and you should ideally focus on the films you would want to watch, not just those that make you look cool in a list.

It's best to fill the 24 hours ( you don't want to waste precious time ), so going a little bit over seems acceptable. After all, when are Doctors ever that accurate. I'm sure you could hang on that final 30 minutes to find out who is the Dad in Mamma Mia. Also, you would gain some time back but chopping the credits.

As an aid, 24 hours is 1440 minutes and IMDB will give you the official film lengths.

So, get a couple of big bottles of juice, a 24 pack of crisps, 6 pork pies and bucket to pee in and off you go....

Top 10 Best Goals

Holidays are the time for trawling YouTube and making pointless 'best of' lists. So, in no particular order, my top 10 goals (with a very large Man Utd bias obviously).

Mark Hughes - Wales Vs Spain
I got many a bruise trying to do this. Give it a go. It is nowhere near as easy as Sparky makes this look.



Eric Cantona - Man Utd Vs Sheff Utd
The goal is great, the celebration is probably even better.



Denis Bergkamp - Holland Vs Argentina
This is a thing of beauty. Taking into account the stage and time in the game, this is all kinds of awesome. Great commentary too.



Marco Van Basten - Holland Vs USSR
Woof! I remember watching this as it happened and it was more of an immediate feeling of surprise that he had even tried this.



Archie Gemmell - Scotland Vs Holland
When something like this happens when you're 8, you're never really going to forget it. At this stage of the game we still had a, typically Scots, hope that we could still go through.



Ole - Man Utd Vs Bayern Munich
For any Man Utd fan, this will always be the greatest goal ever. I may never go this nuts again when a goal goes in. Only the second time I proper lost it at football. The first time was about 2 minutes before this. I had waited 29 years for a European Cup Final. I was allowed.



Wayne Rooney - Man Utd Vs Newcastle
You don't save those. The thing I love about this is how he seemlessly transitions from monaing at the ref to a light jog to clattering it in the net. Take a bow son.



Maradona Vs England
As Alan Hansen would say, pace, power, pace, control, pace, power. This goal is the reason that the whole 'hand of god' thing doesn't really matter.



Roberto Carlos - Real Madrid vs Tenerife
I really like to think he meant this.



Zinedine Zidane - Real Madrid vs Bayer Leverkusen
Best goal ever scored in Scotland?




Goals I couldn't add because they weren't embeddable from YouTube were:

Ryan Giggs' goal vs Arsenal in the 1999 FA Cup Semi-Final
This is the goal that made me get Sky Sports.
Steven Gerrard's 2nd goal from the 2006 FA Cup Final
90th minute and he does this? Outrageous.

Hoarding Versus Storage - A Conundrum

I've always been a hoarder. Obviously, I refer to this particular prediliction as collector but, the fact remains, chucking stuff out is not in my make up. Aside for the ubiquitous big box of wires, I still have the postcard collection of my youth, all my coins, books I've read and won't read again, books I've never read and, crucially, all my music.

I started buying vinyl at the end of the 70's and did so constantly until I started buying CD's around 1991. I have hundreds of albums and just as many, probably more, CD's. My vinyl has been lugged with me between houses/cities and very rarely leaves the increasingly battered storage boxes. I still have a turntable (2 in fact) but they're far from a state that I can easily set them up. So, the vinyl provides a rather perfect embodiment of a literal dead weight.


but ain't it lovely?

A couple of years ago, I put myself through the modern day hell of ripping all my CD's. It took the best of part of 2 weeks but I got there. So, I now have a lovely wee NAS sitting under the TV and allows me to stream everything I own from anywhere in the house ( and two other copies on external drives, I'm doing down all that again ).

So, let's recap:

1. I have many, many boxes of vinyl I never play.
2. I have many, many boxes of CD's I never (physically) play in the house.
3. 100% of the time in the car, I play ripped music on an MP3 player.
4. 90% of the time in the house I listen to Spotify rather than my own ripped music.

None of this was an issue when all these boxes were just strenuously lugged up into the attic. But, since a man passing himself off as a builder came and took all my money, that is now where I sleep. The vinyl and CD's are now spread about between the house and the garage.

And here is the conundrum. Do I keep them? Why do I need them?

The answer for the vinyl is fairly easy. I'm keeping it for HUGELY sentimental reasons. I tried ripping it with a USB turntable and got far too bored. So, for the moment, the vinyl is going nowhere.

But the CD's? I could bin them, not that attached but, of course, the crucial thing is that, they would cost a lot to replace and the insurance company won't go for "there was £x000 of music on that NAS that blew up until a hail of cat pee". So, binning the CD's would be little previous.

So, I've decided I'm going to keep the CD's and throw out the boxes ( an idea I knicked from @stuartamdouglas ). I've ordered some CD wallets and transfer will start when they arrive. I may even do the same with DVD's.

If you're looking for lots of CD boxes, I'm yer man.

I suspect there will be some I'll be too squeamish to bin. We'll see. It'll be interesting.

It does open up a lot of thoughts on the nature of ownership of digital media. Clearly, the MP3 world has led to a move away from the need for a physical thing to have. And, with more and more cloud based music storage solutions appearing, it won't be long before you don't really ever have a file either. You'll just buy the right to be able to listen to something stored in the cloud (or more likely you'll just 'own' a pointer to the file in the cloud, which is what Amazon should do if they'd bother to read my blog). This is already true with Spotify which is why I'm listening to music on Spotify now as I type. Truth is, I'd pay for Spotify, which is why they probably should make me pay before they go bust!

The Anatomy of Bottom Rung Football

You will often hear much talk about the 'grass roots' of football. Minor leagues, Sunday mornings, Deep Heat and industrial defending. The phrase 'grass roots', of course, implies the very lowest level. And yet, there lie many levels below this.

I know this kind of thing has been done to death. But not by me.

At the very lowest end, the level of the football is not defined by the players, the leagues or the strips. It is defined by the quality of the two most crucial things in the whole game, the pitch and the ball. Any brand of football that takes the pitch and the ball as a given is, as the Americans would have it, Major League Soccer.

You see the football pyramid has a very wide, flat, squidgy base. And in this base we find real football. Yes, I could steal someone else's description : "small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts". But even having a park and jumpers is all a bit la-di-da if you ask me. You see, I grew up playing proper bottom rung football.

(pause briefly to fire up Spotify and listen to this music from the Hovis advert and play while reading the remainder of this post)

The Anatomy of Bottom Rung Pitches
The first thing to understand is that the definition of 'pitch' needs to be redefined and made a lot less grand. Maybe 'space' would be better. Of any shape. On any surface. Or multiple surfaces.

First, lets look at the characteristics of an ideal bottom rung space.

1. No jobbies - you need to work round what the dogs have left behind. A thorough fod walk is essential. This may mean that you may have to alter the desired quadrilateral into a funkier shape to avoid a smelly streak on your staypress.
2. Things that look like goals - one of the main issues with bottom rung football is the lack of goal line technology. Even in the high-fallutin' world of "jumpers for goalposts" deciding if the ball is in is, well, somewhat vague and can lead to some disagreement Or, as Bill McLaren would have it, "a little bit of argy-bargy". This is spectacularly brought to life by an actual story from a youth (which I'll abridge for speed). Final of school 5's competition. Very grand skittles for goalposts (we had real goals the previous year, I guess they got nicked). It was even at full-time, the headteacher gave permission to play on beyond lunchtime and, with the whole school watching, I hit a shot that hit a skittle and went in, sending the skittle the other way. It was the world's very first Golden Goal* - next goal the winner. Cue mayhem. Half the school jumped on me Mel Brooks style. The other half started a fight. Members of the opposition went bananas. They attacked the janitor (who was the ref), back in the school, chairs were thrown. A few of them were suspended from school. I got a medal. Yes, this was Primary School.
   
   Anyway, you see my point, if you have something that makes a better job at goals, you can avoid an awful lot of aggro (especially where I grew up). If you look closely enough and with sufficient imagination, you can see goals almost anywhere. Obviously, trees, lampposts and the like make very obvious posts and offer a definitive ruling on the goal on not issue. But that is talk of nirvana. You were much more likely to get a section of fence, a patch of wall which was a different colour or the hemispherical arch of a climbing frame. All were good and were immediately commandeered by the massed ranks of footballers and anyone wanting to use them for their intended purpose had to shuffle off.
   
3. Surface - obviously you want grass but if you can't get it then anything will do and, most often, something like tarmac/pavement/etc usually does the trick. This is, after all, is how you get good scabs. And you need to have good scabs to be doing bottom rung football right. The ultimate surface? Snow. Overhead kick heaven. This week I am mostly Karl-Heinz Rummenigge.
   
4. No Ball Games - invariably, a cunning network of "No Ball Games" signs will try to block your way like Balrog meets Prosser. That is so incredibly geeky (or is it nerdy?) that I'm going to delight in it and say it again, Balrog meets Prosser. Thankyou. Thing is, eventually the best of these places will attract the police. They will move you on apologetically the first time with a "C'mon lads". The second time, the will start to get narked with a clear "I can't be arsed with this, I just ordered takeaway" tone. Third time they are proper grumpy. In the end, avoiding the law is recommended.

To give you a great example, let me talk you through one of the best spaces from my youth, the perfect bottom rung pitch.

Where the flats ended, some waste ground started. We called it 'the field'. A triangle of barely grass was formed by the fence of the railway, the edge of the grass as it got wilder and taller and a hill that dropped off down to the flats. Yes, a triangle. I know. The goals at one end were a section of the railway fence. The goals at the other end were, well, the point of the triangle with coats/jumpers/whatever spread the the approximate width of the fence section at the other end.

At the fence end, almost all was well. You could take corners, although you very rarely did. You see, the ball only crossed the line if it crossed the fence. And if it crossed the fence? Yes, it was on the railway line. It took a while to get the ball back. Up the fence, under the barbed wire, dodge the trains, get the ball. Bloody hell, just get on with the game. A corner only made it more likely for it to go back over again.

The trains weren't the only peril. Down the rough edge of the grass, the thick stuff contained a fairly dense growth of hemlock**. Wasn't much fun getting the ball out of there either.

And the third side of this sporting triangle? Get your John Robertson jink down the wing wrong and you were arse over tit down a 10 foot grass bank.

So there it is. The perfect bottom rung pitch. It's a miracle I'm alive. As a footnote, it was on this very pitch that I did the first of the mega-rips of my right ankle in a pot-hole.

The Anatomy of Bottom Rung Balls
( say it out loud, it's just funny )

A football is just a football? Nay not so. There are more to balls than you may think. They are seasonal. They are variable. They define demographic. Above all though, they decide the quality of the game. Let's look at the lifecycle and some of the ball-factors.

The Filly Lifecycle
A 'filly' was what we called the thing that you would recognise as a football. It was called a 'filly' because it was a fabric/plastic outer filled with a rubber inner. Rubber inner? The key characteristic of the filly is that they followed a very distinct and repeatable lifecycle. Sometime after Christmas (or perhaps a birthday) someone would appear outside with a shiny new filly. This was the happy time. Everyone loved playing with a brand new filly. It felt right. It was a higher rung. Ever touch was velvet on silk, every volley sweetly struck, every header like kissing a rose. Sadly, Christmas comes but once a year and a new filly didn't stay new very long. They didn't like concrete much. The shiny coating very quickly wore off. Gradually, the underlying fabric became exposed until the ball was a sad reflection of its former self. Soft, saggy and grey; a Brucie's scrotum of a ball. Nice to kick it? To kick it nice. You see, this was the keepy-uppy phase. All of your youthful keepy-uppy records were made with a filly in this state. The fabric was grippy on your Adidas Kick, the softness of the ball hugged your feet. You really couldn't lose control. It literally was like trapping a fish supper. Joy. And then it rained. They didn't like the rain. They got heavier and heavier. Water got inside and spun out into your face when kicked. And heading? Leave it out John.

Not long after this phase. A filly would die. The a gap would appear in the fabric panels and the rubber inner would start to peak out like a displaying Amazonian frog. And the filly would die, flappy dead skin hanging off, burst and dead and, in those final moments, held aloft like the head of Charles I. "Ma' filly's deid."

If we were lucky, it wouldn't be long to Christmas because the alternatives were...

The Captain's Ball
I know not the real name of these balls. I'm pretty sure they had "Captain's Ball" written on them. They were usually orange, sometimes white and made of very robust, thick plastic. This was a good thing in some ways. The tended to last. Kept away from sharp objects they might even last a whole summer. But there were drawbacks. Catch a fast one in the thigh or face and you might well be off home pretending you'd been called for your tea.

They were cheaper than fillys too, so there were more of them around. After all, you need to have a ball to have a ball. Just don't head the feckers, that way remedial reading and SRA Tan lies.

The Fly-Away
"Ba's burst, better buy a fly-away."
You need to have a ball. So when the filly's deid, the Captain's Ball got twatted on the railway, you had to fall back on a fly-away. They were light, cheap, thin plastic balls that were utterly useless to play football with. They were for toddlers. A slight breeze, a bit of spin and "whoof, it's swept away".

You gotta end with a bit of Archie... the top rung of commentating.

* - in a Derren Brown style, I'm going to predict that Stuart comments on this blog post saying, to this very day, that it wasn't a goal
** - there's a whole other blog post there

Soundtrack of Your Life

If they made a film of your life what songs would you have in the soundtrack for which scenes? It was a sunny Friday drive to work today and the Shuffle Gods chose Mornington Crescent by Belle and Sebastian. It seemed to fit perfectly. Albeit the lyrics didn't quite work, I've not got a job for a Senegalese (nor, indeed, am I in nip). No matter. Had I been filming that scene for an autobiographical movie, that would have been the musical accompaniment.

So, today's Friday Fun meme is, think of a scene(s) from your life and what song would you'd play over the top. I'm thinking more stylistically rather than literally but you can walk round an Aston Martin garage listening to "I Want The One I Can't Have" by The Smiths if you're not feeling to imaginative.

My film would definitely have a scene where I'm driving in the dark listening to There There by Radiohead. I'm sure Long Snake Moan by PJ Harvey would appear at some point too. :-)

Half Year Review

A little late, but here's how I'm doing against the goals of the year so far.

1. Throw Some Stuff Out
Strike one! Having a skip in the drive for ages helped but I did throw out a lot of stuff. The garage has still to be reclaimed but progress has been made.

2. A Great Photo
Hard to judge this one but this year's Sucata Split offered up some great photo ops. I am particularly pleased with this shot of Bruges. Mainly because it was exactly what I set out to get. Doesn't happen often enough!




3. A Complete First Draft
This won't happen this year. I'm starting to get the itch to get writing again. The story won't go away.

4. Sell Film Rights for The Beatle Man
Ha-ha.

5. Spend Less Money
Well, we now have a converted loft, so that worked. Ok, so there is much decoration left to do but, based on the stated aims, this one has worked. Although, it has, paradoxically, involved spending a lot of money. Such is the way of progress.

6. Lose Weight
Failed, failing, fat and forty hear I come.

7. Time Division Multiplexing
This has almost worked. It has, unfortunately, given me a way of doing nothing too. Which wasn't really the idea.

8. No Alarms
No alarms so far and some really good news too. Long may that continue.

AOB?
Well, a few things I need to add in:

9. The Photo Project
Something that I started this year, I need to get the website live and get cracking very soon. This is the number 1 on the project list for now. I have been procrastinating like a bad one... there is actually very little left to do. Maybe get the decorating done first. Feel free to help by repeated "Is it done yet?" quips...

10. More Writing
There are two other projects on the go, one fairly far on, the other at the very beginning. These will happen before the next book. I also need to think about a submission to Stu.

The most remarkable thing about this year is that it's August. Whoosh, wallop, boing, gone.

Armstrong or Cernan?

Looks like the world is waking up again to the greatness of Apollo again. Perhaps my dull space related ramblings herein will be scoffed at less now. Perhaps not.

Anyway, I was watching some of the various Apollo/Moon related coverage last night (who's surprised?) and a question occurred to me.

If you could choose, would you rather be the first or last man on the moon?

You may jump to an immediate answer of saying "Armstrong". Yes, OK, he's now historically famous but he's also famously not all that bothered about that. Thing is, I think my answer would be Gene Cernan. Here's why...

Apollo 11 for all its historical significance did little else than land, stick up a flag and get back. I'm not playing this down at all but, from the point of view of the astronauts they spent on 21 1/2 hours on the moon and only 2 1/2 hours outside the LM on the surface. As individuals they have spectacular, if very short, memories of the moon.

Compare with Apollo 17. They spent longer wandering about the moon outside the LM than Apollo 11 spent on the surface in total. They also drove the lunar rover. They had a lot more fun and had much more to remember. As a human experience, it was surely better?

I suppose the pseudo-philosophical-bobbins question is, would we choose a place in history over a better individual experience while we're alive? (Not that I think any discussion of hedonistic intent is ever sensibly applied to the space programme.)

The person to ask would, of course, be Buzz Aldrin. Give that he never got the top billing he wanted (although he's still a household name) he may have preferred the memory of days on the moon?

In the end, the desire to be the first was more related to the test pilot adrenalin junky thing. They won't have been bothered about only staying there for a few hours (although, after landing they refused to sleep and wanted to get out asap, so the excitement of being there did happen).

Being first meant you got the squeaky bum landing and the "Right Stuff" way that Armstrong landed the Eagle. The pinpoint landings that followed (Apollo 17 was only 640m off target) were, by that time, a bit too easy from a fly-boy's perspective. So, at the time, there would have been no question, 2nd is nowhere. But looking back now, I would wonder if more time on the moon would have been worth trading.

Language of The Lazy Football Cliché

With the football season over and the transfer window in full flow, there is a dearth of real football news so you get a lot of speculation and nonsense instead. It don't half bring out the clichés. So I was reminded of an oft repeated conversation between me and @khev, there are rules in football reporting. Certain things can only ever be described in one way...

• The Football Transfer Window always 'slams shut' - it never just closes...
• Footballers are 'snapped up' - not just simply bought
• Football managers always 'run the rule' over players - they never just have a look...
• Goals are always 'chalked off' - not plain old disallowed...
• Any clash of heads in football is always 'sickening' - not just a bit sore looking...
• Footballers always have 'blistering' pace - no other adjective is allowed
  
• You can only ever have a 'sweet' left foot - sweet right feet don't exist

I know there must be hundreds more... let's be 'avin' 'em!

Caution : Optimism ahead

It's good to be optimistic. And I love people with great drive and belief. But there is, unfortunately, a limit on how far a wave of optimism can take you up the beach before sucking you back into the shark-infested depths.

My problem, as has often been pointed out, is that I see reasons why things might be difficult far brighter than why they might work. That's not to say I can't be optimistic, positive even, but I tend not to get carried into shore by the wave alone. I prefer a Mulberry.

I've seen a number of situations where optimism has got the better of people.

It's tricky, but there is a balance. Yes, of course, be optimistic, believe. But plan on the basis that things won't go quite as well as you'd hoped. It is catastrophically easy to move forward on the basis of assumed success. I've been playing chess like that for years. Attack, attack, oops*. This is not, I stress not, negative. "What ifs" are a great exercise to go through. If you need to have multiple plans, then do that. Don't have a single plan that goes a bit Arnhem at the end if you don't get your way. Planning for worst cases is not negative or any admission of presumed defeat. It just makes sense. At no point during the war (or since) did anyone accuse Churchill of negativity despite extensive plans being drawn up on what would be done in the event of a German invasion. It's just common sense/realism/preparedness. Not negativity.

Those who cry "negativity" are generally objecting to their bubble of Walter Mitty-esque optimism being burst. Hands off ears. Listen. There will be a way.

There is always a way.

This post has been brought to you by Wikipedia and World War Two.

* - those interested in miltary history may also like to read the story of the Battle of Midway, a more finely balanced positive versus negative strategy you won't see... a great lesson in the role of luck too. I'll try not to mention Apollo 8 again.

Knicky Knicky Nine Doors

I was awoken at 1am by my doorbell. Except that it wasn't my doorbell. It was one the noises my doorbell can make, just not the usual one. I've seen this before, you can make my doorbell go off with the remote for the car. Such is the way with wireless doorbells.

As I was failing to get back to sleep, made me think that this opens up whole new possibilities for a modern-day version of "tap door run".*

I don't think it could take much to rig something up so you could drive along a row of houses and ring any wireless doorbells from a passing car. Children of c21, I challenge you!**

Obviously, being able to activate the bell remotely opens up all new world of comedic possibility. I urge you to read "La Cantatrice Chauve" - you'll see what I mean.***

* or whatever they called it in your location/era - that's what it was called in Wester Hailes in the 70's - of course, I never partook... I just heard about it. It seems to be called Knock Knock Ginger in some places... how odd. Or the even more bizarre "Knicky Knicky Nine Doors". I prefer our more literal name.
** you'll need to find an irresponsible adult to drive the car, obviously.
*** maybe

Rallying Cry

Not long now until the next mad dash across Europe in a banger. At the end of May, I will be doing another charity car run (along with the others members of the team). It has suddenly got very close.

We were very aware on the last run that people donated money in the hope that we would breakdown. Realising that asking our friends and family to donate again so soon after the last run was asking a lot, we thought we would provide additional incentive by going for a weirdly over-engineered and flaky French car (as opposed to the impenetrable reliability of previous Swedish incumbent, may he Rest in Portugal, all details of which are still on the team blog).

Again, we will be raising money for Gemin-i.org. Gemin-i.org is "a UK-based education charity which uses innovative technology to link schools in over 100 countries, helping young people to learn about global issues and to take action for a better world."

The choice of car is not the only difference, we have a new team member, and we will be upping the technology this year a bit too. Last year we blogged live during the run. We'll be doing this again but we will also all be tweeting the whole trip. We hope that we can encourage many to follow us as part of our fundraising efforts ( http://twitter.com/teamgi ). In addition, all our tweets will be integrated with in the team blog ( http://www.generalignorance.org ) and, if I can get it all working, will have Google Maps showing our position via a BrightKite mashup (or FireEagle if BrightKite don't open their API's in time).

The route this year is particularly fine and takes us from the chocolate heaven of Bruges to the mine fields of Croatia.


We have a few other surprise deviations planned (of which more later).

So, keep an eye out on the team blog for more news of the car, its forthcoming stunning new livery (the eagled-eyed may be just be able to spot the work in progress herein) and further fundraising news. Look forward to your support. You can donate now via the JustGiving link on the team blog.

If you are a social media type and want to help us promote our efforts and our pan-European Twitter madness then we would be delighted to hear from you. And if we don't, we'll be coming to noise you up anyway...

14th August 1987

It is entirely self-evident that the 14th August 1987 is getting on for nearly 22 years ago. And, it is certainly no great surprise to get pulled up short by the recurring realisation that things that feel like yesterday are actually a quarter of a century ago.

Yesterday, I spent a pleasant hour or so pottering round the second-hand bookshops of Stockbridge, largely sniffing out photography books. I came across a book called "One Day For Life". It is a charity book produced for a cancer trust made up of photos submitted by the public (and some celebs*) on 14th August 1987.

There are some decent photos in it, but it doesn't really stand out as a photography book; it does provide an excellent snapshot of that point in time. And this is the striking thing. It is one thing to perceive that time to be drifting into the past, it is quite another to see it looking like the past. To me, 1987 doesn't feel that long ago. But there it is, in print, looking like a bygone era. Which, of course, it is.

There is probably extra resonance for me. August 1987 was just before I started University. I was 17, skinny and about to leave Edinburgh to live in Glasgow. Here I am today, 39 and, well, fat. Still think I'm 17 but I'd guess I'm kinda quite different to that little scrawn now.

Makes me think that a similar project now might not be a bad idea at all. Anyone up for it?

* Gloria Hunniford & Terry Wogan et al - you get the picture

Man O' Chanter

It is not very often that my drive to work inspires a blog post. And it was the general loveliness of a Colin Baxter style morning either. It was an odd moment at the lights at Barnton.

On days when I am without the entertaining chat of @stuartamdouglas, I often avoid the motorway and wander to Livingston via Cramond/Kirkliston. This takes me through the land of grumpy people in large 4x4's looking far less delighted with the success/excess than you would imagine.

This was much in evidence today, perfectly turned out women (what time do they get up?) sternly driving large black Range Rovers/X5s/etc. You start to get this horrible ennui and a glimpse of the sort of madness in the human condition that let to the credit crunch etc.

So, it was with unashamed delight that I smiled broadly at the sight that greeted me while stopped at the lights at Barnton. In the car to the right, an old man used the brief pause at the red to bring out his chanter and play a little tune to himself in the car.

He didn't look like he needed the practice. He was clearly a player. He can only have done this simply for the pleasure of playing the tune. Now, opinion may be divided on how much pleasure you can get from listening to the chanter ( and by divided I mean 80/20, not 50/50 ), but even so, it was a joy to see.

There isn't enough basic joy like that about*.

Obviously, thoughts immediately turned down the road of working out how I could achieve same on days when the music on the randomiser just isn't doing it. Current fave is a harmonica. Oh oh.

* we can't ignore the possibility that he's actually a grumpy old bastard, but benefit of doubt will be given

Mumbai Days

I found this lying on a backup drive recently. Long since forgetten. But, with the end of the Bush era approaching and dark recent days in Mumbai, I thought it appropriate to post it. It tells the brief tale of a week in Mumbai when I met one of the richest men in the world and George Bush got elected.

I did get to go back to Mumbai after this. Still loved it. Still very sad what happened.

As a wiser man than I once said, it was the summer of 2000, what else was I going to be doing?

---

A daft boy from Wester Hailes and a dafter one from the rough side of Belfast sit down in First Class of a French jet heading for Mumbai, India. On the plane they were greeted by a very well appointed private hostess who handed them a pair of slippers and 100% cotton pyjamas. Like good working class boys, the quickly stuff them into their bags in case anyone decides to take them back. The plane takes off and leaves Paris behind, Concordes look tiny on the ground, imperious and safe. It was before one crashed.

It was a nine hour flight and they settled down and were relaxed by a seemingly endless supply of 10 year old Champagne. Then the food came. Quails eggs, lots of dainty stuff and finished off with a cheese board and a wide selection of wines, red and white. By this time, the 4 other passengers were sitting back to relax. Our intrepid heroes, meanwhile, were a wee bit jaked and proceeded to have great fun making the powered chairs go up and down with a press of a button. These were to come in handy on the way back. Completely horizontal, the seats are perfect beds, especially with duvet and pillow.

The long haul over Iran, watched a few films on the personal TV set and then the right turn over Pakistan, heading South for Mumbai. Running down the side of the many islands that make up the long needle peninsula of Mumbai, the sky was dark and the moon bright. Banking sharply over the bay, the hills in the centre of the city could be seen, lit of beautifully. It was Divali, the festival of lights. Every house seemed to have something alight or glowing.

The planes lands and our boys are let off first while the poor souls in cattle class press against the stewardess holding them back. In the airport, two trolleys are waiting next to the carousel, reserved, with name tags, for our first class heroes. It's now late at night, it's been a long day since the 4am start in Edinburgh. A dark and frightening ride through the helter-skelter streets of Mumbai and they are at the hotel. They have been before so it is pleasingly familiar. They know the routine and their specially appointed guest liaison girls are as efficient as they are beautiful.

A very short sleep, disturbed by changing timezones and they are up. They are collected by Suhas. A very gentle Indian who wears checked shirts and can't turn his head because of a previous car crash. Reassuring. A bright Mumbai morning. All the world is on the street. People are showering, shaving, pissing at the side of the road. The normal traffic rules apply. Bike beats pedestrian, auto-rickshaw beats bike, car beats auto-rickshaw, bus beats car, lorry beats bus. It all beats me. At every junction, this full size game of Top Trumps is played out with a wild soundtrack of loudly blown horns. The cows play their jokers. They beat everything on the road and everything swerves to avoid them.

They arrive at the office having been outside in the open so far, for about 3.4 seconds. Another 5.2 seconds between car and office and they are back in the air-conditioned cool. Warm greetings. Off to the boss’ office. A small boy is summoned and coffee is brought in china cups. They remember the rules 'let him do it, best not to offend'. The plan for the day is made. They are told of important visitors from Japan. Luckily, they had been tipped off and had put ties into bags. With Europeans and Japanese in the office, the Indians could not and would not resist an introduction. And so it happened. Everything they had been taught about Japanese culture disappeared from their heads. 'This is the Professor from Waseda University.' He offers his card and it duly taken with one hand, read and stuck in pocket. All no-nos. You should take it with two hands and NEVER put it away. They ask for cards in return. They were left in our hereos office on the 3rd floor. No card. 'No card!' exclaim the Japanese. It's a major cultural incident but it is quickly sorted out.

The rest of the day goes by. The Japanese are due to meet Mukesh Ambani, a billionaire, head of the largest company in India, friend of American Presidents and other glitterati. The boys are here to do work. So they set about it with all the energy they have left after the long journey. The Japanese look tired too, they had only just arrived too but flew East->West, harder on the jet lag.

The day passes. The gauntlet of the canteen was run. Scott remembers his last visit there. It was a small concert. Out of the blue had been asked to sing. He played a sing into the Mumbai night sky, the guitar and his voice out of tune. 200 Indians went wild. It was a nice memory. The lunch wasn't. They ate very little. After lunch they sneaked into the office and ate Mars Bars.

3.30 came and Alistair appears. 'Get your bag, we're off.'
'Off where?'
'To see Mukesh!'
They had blagged their way into the meeting. The ties would come in very handy.
A convoy of cars leave the office for the 90 minute car journey to the south of the city. As always in Mumbai, it is never boring - driving about watching the crazy world go by. As always, crossing the open sewer of a river is less pleasant. As they approach Nariman Point, they pass places Scott remembers. The Mosque out in the bay where he visited before and saw so many unfortunates collecting alms with whichever limbs they had remaining. The Gateway of India where he had boarded a boat to Elephanta and the Buddhist Temple. And then to the Reliance building.

The boardroom of one of the richest men in the world. The Indian hosts buzz about nervously. Mukesh is late. We find out later he is being briefed about the Japanese so he can have a sensible conversation with them. The Professor is an expert in communications and video compression. Mukesh isn't. But you never would have known.

And then he comes in, no tie, a plain white shirt, open necked. Smiling. The other Indians visibly lose height. Our heroes are introduced. Few words, handshake.
The meeting passes, it is dull. Just sitting, listening, saying nothing.
And then he leaves and his Indian entourage follow. It's only our heroes and the Japanese. It's nearly 7pm by this time. They are all tired and hungry.

'What about these Indian's time keeping?' asks the ever bold Irishman.
The Japanese don't know what to say. It would appear he is slagging the host and a very rich one at that. It doesn't compute. They fall about in hysterics. The Indian's come back in. Talk, talk blether. “Food! We need food!” is the unspoken cry.

'OK, we have table booked at a restaurant.'
It is North of here, probably 45 minutes drive. They realise that this isn't so good. Our boss and lady MD goes out.

Scott goes to the loo. It's late in office hours. Still the building is busy, people just hanging about waiting to be told to do something. So they were told to get food. It wasn't looking good. What were they going to bring? And then it arrived. Cheese toasties! It was manna from heaven. They were scoffed in an instant.

Back in the cars and heading north. Dark now but still busy. Long drive to the Jewel of India, one of the best places in Mumbai. They get their table, 2 Indians, 3 Japanese, and Irishman and Scotsman. The Indian insist on ordering. The starters come and are unfeasibly hot. Hunger compelled eating. Burning mouth compelled beer. More food, more beer. Timezones, tiredness, hunger, heat, beer. This was going to be interesting. The chat got faster in more languages than was sensible. Alistair tells a long story. To his left, the old Japanese Professor is asleep at the table sitting up. It's all a bit too much.

Eventually, approaching midnight, the night ends and it's off back to hotel. What day is it? What country am I in?

The rest of the week passes. By Wednesday lunchtime, it all catches up. They can't eat in the canteen and, summoning a driver, head back to the hotel, their white faces attracting attention as well as lepers. At the hotel, the eat fish and chips. It's a saviour. But Alistair’s guts have gone. He disappears for the rest of the day. Scott watches a DVD on his laptop. Orders room service. Prawns, he's getting brave. And then to watch CNN. It's the Presidential election. They are recounting Florida, it's quite entertaining. But Bush wins. Mmmm….

For the rest of the week, nothing gets done. Europeans are tokens, magic wands that can get applied to anything. Scott consults on Indian tax returns down town. He has lunch in a swanky restaurant but this time orders his own. The Indians seem insulted but he doesn't care. On the way to the car, he is followed by a woman with a sick child, she nearly gets into the car but his Indian hosts stop her. A fight has broken out nearby, car doesn't beat car, they just bend each other.

The week ends with the final run back to the hotel. Vasant finally wins and gets to drive them back through the busy Friday night darkness. He's a big Kenny Rogers fans. Heaving population, cows in the street and men mending bikes next to eye-laser clinics, people selling shoes in the street outside Internet cafes.
'Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.'
It's a strange feeling. I'd love to go back.

2009 - The Goals For The Year

Now, you could argue that as my attempt at setting a set of public goals ended up with mostly failure in 2008, I should perhaps hold off on any bold pronouncements in 2009. Nay not so. The process is valid, even if I failed it.

So, here they are, the 2009 goals - a few are carried over - some are new.

1. Throw Some Stuff Out
You may think that I've added this in specifically so I could get an easy pass. Au contraire Blackadder. Now, I admit, as a measurable goal 'some' does leave some wriggle room. So I'll add something more specific. I should have enough space in my garage to setup of my photo studio stuff and use the largely abandoned collection of gym equipment. This will involve taking on the evil triumvirate of garage/shed/attic.

2. A Great Photo
Yes, here it is again, hung over from last year's fail. I should start every year with this goal. Perhaps even after I have (hopefully) achieved it.

3. A Complete First Draft
And yes, another fail from last year. I have to be honest, if I manage even half of this in 2009 I'll be astonished. It looks like it could be a very busy year so I don't know where the time for this will come from. But still, have to have a go...

4. Sell Film Rights for The Beatle Man
Only kidding... but surely it would make a half-decent Taggart!

5. Spend Less Money
A fairly straightforward thing to do (hopefully). A few reasons for this but the main one being a strong desire to convert the attic into a bedroom. Terribly mundane I know.

6. Lose Weight
And talking of mundane, a new year fave for all. Yes, well, I'm entering my 40th year tomorrow and its my last chance to avoid being fat and forty. Although the main reason is to take some of the strain/pain off my bad feet. Mobility isn't all it should be. Target? Erm... a stone lighter. Stop me if I'm getting too interesting.

7. Time Division Multiplexing
I started to try to do this last year with varying success. I need to be more strict about it this year. Generally speaking, I try to do too much and end up achieving less than I should as result. I aim to resolve this by being stricter on time allocation. Time will be designated for certain things and kept to as rigidly as possible.

8. No Alarms
Obviously, you have to end with this, the hope for every year.

Desert Island C90 Challenge - My Tape

So, here it is, frozen in time at the end of 2008, my Desert Island C90. As ever, tomorrow's will be as different as yesterday's.

This should have been a lot easier. Armed with a lot of data from last.fm I shouldn't really have to think what I like listening to, it is all there to be seen. But a C90 isn't as simple as that.

It struck me while doing this that I never put this amount of preparation into a actual C90. Therefore, very often, tracks would get cut off at the end of side, maybe I should have allowed that!

One thing I'm sure of, the second I hit 'publish' I'll immediately remember 3 songs I really should have put on this list and regret something that I did add. Such is the way of it. In fact, I already want to change it but it's way too much hassle when you've finally got the times to add up almost right. Especially as I've just noticed that Life On Mars has mysteriously gone missing a some point during the edit. Ho hum. Published and be damned. Sorry David.

For anyone else having a go this helps add up the times.

Side 1 44:55

Smelt Like A Pedestrian - A Witness 3:15
Way back when (probably around 1986) I got a C90 from my friend Dave Benger. At that time (and most likely still now) he had far better taste in music than me. The C90 he gave me was a sampler of the world of music that was largely passing me by at that time. To say it (with subsequent tapes) changed my musical direction is an understatement. Smelt Like A Pedestrian was the first track on that tape and it still provides a great punchy start to any such compilation today. There really was no other way to start my Desert Island C90, "I felt restless and a trifle bored..." sounds like Desert Island life to me. Probably not what they had in mind though...

Now I need to return to the attic in the hope of finding that tape. I do hope it's there. If I find it, I'll post the track listing here. I know what came next "Hot Aftershave Bop" by The Fall - strangely accessible.

Frightened - The Fall 5.03
This is a lot of time to give up to a lump of lo-fi Manc-burbling. But it's just great, so has to go on.

Not entirely sure how this constitutes a video, but here it is nonetheless.





50ft Queenie - PJ Harvey 2:27
When you are putting together a compilation where time is of the essence, 2 minutes 27 seconds of snarling Polly is just about as perfect as it gets.





Teardrop - Massive Attack 5:31
This is a large investment of time. And one that I nearly dropped. But you really have to have this. Sublime.





This Charming Man - The Smiths 2:43
This was a toughy. There had to be at least one Smiths song on (and was sorely tempted to add more). At 2:43, this represents very good value. Could easily have been What She Said (2:41) but that was in my album tracks post last year. Anyway, have a listen and concentrate on the bass.





Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks 3:13
I was a little concerned that too many songs like this might see me sitting on my Desert Island constantly in floods of lonely tears (which is why there is no Sunshine on Leith) but, in essence, this is as uplifting as it is beautiful. And, after all, I would actually be in paradise. So, an entertaining reversal.





Just - Radiohead 3:53
It was a real struggle picking a Radiohead track. I went for Just because the rest of the tape was getting a little too laid back and quiet so I needed to add some punch. Could easily have been 6 or more other songs. Great video too.




I Want You - Inspiral Carpets with Mark E. Smith 3:10
In its own right a really thumping drum-driven guitar-pop song. Add crazy Mark over the top and it becomes, well, something else entirely. Much like this list, no one did ever said it was going to be easy. A second apperance for the boy Smith. Might have had a third if I'd gone with The Rhinohead, but it lost out. I do like the trademark reading lyrics off paper in this video.





Birthday - Sugarcubes 3:58
When I were a lad at Uni, Stephen Wallace and I would often meet in the QMU bar at lunchtime. He always knew if I had already arrived if this (or Hey Luciani by The Fall) was playing on the jukebox. So, this song has been with me for a long time. It has a very difficult feel from most music, it's just lovely, no other way to describe it. Björk at the beginning and Björk at her very best.





Only Living Boy in New Cross - Carter 3:57
Hello, good evening welcome. I needed something with an 80's - early 90's feel and this fitted the bill nicely (it very nearly Two Tribes).





Feeling Good - Muse 3:19
A little bit of a time compromise here. A great track, great cover but probably not the number 1 Muse track I would have chosen.





Long Distance - Turin Brakes 4:26
What a great chorus. As I mention in my Dog Man Star related prattle, I'm a fan of the big, euphoric build up. This is a great example of same.





Side 2 - Total Length 44:51

Sexx Laws - Beck 3:39
The last.fm stats don't lie. I listen to this song quite a lot. Depending on mood it may not even be my favourite Beck song but when you're looking for something to get the second side off and running this is as upbeat as it comes. Obviously loving the horns and that vague Prince overtone.





Firestarter - The Prodigy 3:44
There is a need to have something dancy/loud/dance about. I considered the Status Quo stupidity of Stop The Rock/Apollo 440 but you really can't see past this gusty, biled-fuelled techno-romp (oh NME how you missed out on me). Worth it just for that noise at the start alone.





Cannonball - The Breeders 3:33





Say Hello, Wave Goodbye - Soft Cell 4:32
Here it is again. My love of big choruses.




Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes 2:25
At 2:25 a must. I suppose I would have preferred Add It Up but at 4:42 was it really worth nearly double the time? Obviously, hugely popular now with film and advert appearances but I'm pretty sure it was on "the tape" back in 1986.





In My Life - The Beatles 2:28
There had to be a Beatles' song and it had to be this one. Short, beautiful, perfect. Given that it also appeared on my album tracks list does further confirm that I like this song a lot.
I had to use this vid, one of the most ridiculous things you'll ever see...





I Will - Radiohead 1:59
This is such a short piece of loveliness it was begging to get in and snuck in at the last minute with some timing jiggery, and indeed, pokery. This is probably the safest way to watch some of Dancer in the Dark - much less crying involved.





Song 2 - Blur 2:01
Again, what more can you ask for from 2 minutes. Got a big help from being played very loud in the car tonight.




The Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley 4:19
The boy could sing.





View from the Afternoon - Arctic Monkeys 3:42
According to last.fm I've played this more than any other track. Now, I know that is because the Arctic Monkeys start with 'A' so I often start a trip through the randomiser with this but it's still worth it's place. Needed more guitars.





It's A Good Thing - That Petrol Emotion 2:36
OK, you knew it was coming. I had to have a TPE song somewhere. And at 2:36, this provides great guitar pop value. Senses do fail. And we do know why.





Still Life - Suede 5:23
The problem here, of course, is that The Asphalt World but this is no great step down for the inevitable song from Dog Man Star. Even without the 40 piece orchestra ( as seen in the video below ) you see what a great song this is and how even Brett struggles to sing it.
Note to self: get the chords for this, looks almost playable.




Clair de Lune - Debussy 4:30
The quiet, classical denoument would probably have been Barber's Adagio (the linked choral version is particularly great) but it's just too long. This great bit of Debussy appears everywhere these days, films, adverts etc but is no lessened by it.

2008 - Review of the Year

At the end of last year I wrote a list herein of things I'd like to accomplish this year. This is how badly I fared.

1 Great Photograph - FAIL
I didn't really manage it. There are a few that I really like but nothing anywhere near what I was hoping for. Despite all the opportunties The Sucata Run presented I was largely handless in the extreme.

There are a few photos that are worthy of mention.



This is my favourite picture of the year. And, oddly, took it on my very first outing with the 70-200m f4.0 L. Super sharp, super cheeky.




Love this photo (for obvious reasons) but I think I nailed the composition too. Has been very popular.

And finally on the photo front, I have to give a special mention to this:



Although a 2007 image, this image has been downloaded over 7000 times this year and has appeared in all manner of places and, of course, this film poster is clearly my favourite photo use of the year.

100 Sales - FAIL
With December sales still to trickle in I've made it over 50 but the chances of have sold 50 in December are, well, zero. I suppose I could have gone at the marketing with more gusto or, in fact, at all. A vague attempt at Facebook/Google ads was never going to work to any great extent. Still, those that have read it have been positive, which was nice.

1 Draft - MAJOR FAIL
Not even close. In fact, there is a very good chance that everything I did write will get binned. Various difficulties around the plot and style, too much other stuff to do and generally being a butterfly have made this my worst performance against target by far.

1 New Job - PASS
I'm giving myself a pass for this. Although I didn't actually *start* a new job I did end the year doing 3 and things are set fair for next year. News as it happens.

No Alarms - FAIL
As I said in my half year review, we lost my Uncle Tony this year. Since then my father-in-law sadly passed away too. Very sad but did demonstrate to me quite what an incredible woman my wife is.

AOB
Sucata Run was a lot of fun. Many thanks to ShortShanks and Rooney for a great week. You can still read the blog we did live from the road at the team website. And why not relive one of the General's finest moments as he thunders down the Mulsanne straight at Le Mans.




Delighted that Stuart has finally got off his lard and has starting doing something.

This was definitely a year when I started to fully embrace social media, as is evidenced by the plethora of (slow-loading!) gadgets adorning this very page.

All in all - not a great performance against target.

I'd like to end this post by wishing you all a very happy 2009 and, in tribute to my late, great Uncle Tony, I love you so much I can hardly shit.

Desert Island C90

Last New Year I had much fun putting together my list of best album tracks. So, to continue the 'tradition', I'm going for something similar this year. Inspired by my earlier (failed!) meme Desert Island Amazon Challenge I'm going to do a Desert Island C90.

Young readers may wonder what a C90 is. As ever, Wikipedia can explain all. People of my vintage have a long association with the C90. Many hours sweating over a music centre putting together compilation tapes. It was an art, a joy and a trial all rolled into one. We sat on buses and trains, walked about rainy streets, listening to the fruits of these labours. Always regretting at least one song on the tape that should never have been put on and was too expensive on battery to skip past.

I found a big bag of these C90's in the loft the other day. They are a little bit of social archaeology. Each one freezing a moment in time both in terms of music and what I was doing at the time.

So, here's the challenge. You can take 1 C90 on to a Desert Island. What are you going to put on it? Rules are simple, you have 2 sides of 45 minutes each, pick tunes to fit. Don't worry about leaving gaps in between (we'll assume you are a master of the art and, anyway, the tapes were always slightly more than 45 mins) so just add up the track durations.

Just as the Amazon challenge was defined by value for money, this one is all about value for time. You may love something big and long in a prog-rock way, but can you really afford to use 10 precious minutes?

I'm working on my tracks now, its quite tricky, I'll post them soon.

Dog Man Star

It seems strange to review an album when it is already over 14 years old. Yes, really. God, I'm old. But something is compelling me to do it.

It is generally impossible to say that anything is a 'favourite'. The concept simply doesn't and shouldn't exist. But you have to have stock answers. So when someone asks me my favourite band, I say That Petrol Emotion, (and to a large extent, the stats bear this out), when I'm asked by favourite film I would usually say The Wrath of Khan, or latterly, The Big Lebowski.

But what about favourite album? I've never really had an answer. There are obviously many, many candidates. From Rubber Soul all the way to the first Arctic Monkeys album, stopping off at Hunky Dory, Meat is Murder, The Queen is Dead, Rid Of Me, The Bends, Ok Computer (and many more) on the way. The trouble is, that no matter how much I love them all, none of them are the perfect album. Despite all the myriad of high points, there is always a track you'd skip, a moment that irks. Surely your favourite album should be devoid of these? That is why I always find myself coming back to Dog Man Star. It is, quite simply, perfect. ( and yes, the first Suede album is great too. But it's not to the same level overall.)

Let's set up some basic comments so I don't repeat myself endlessly. The singing, guitar playing and lyrics are consistently excellent throughout. I'm not going to go on about Anderson/Butler and how sad it was they split when they did (and how they weren't quite as good when they got back together), I'm not going to make Morrissey/Marr comparisons. I just want to try and explain why I like it. I might learn something.

There is a simple fact. While all my other CD's are ripped and in the attic. Dog Man Star sits in the CD player next to my bed for those magical moments when I can lie in the dark and just listen.

"Introducing the Band" – 2:39

There was a time when albums were put together with a purpose, some sort of linear intent running end to end. Something akin to Sgt. Pepper or Ziggy. Not just "the latest 10 songs we've recorded". The first track on Dog Man Star, short and sonically quite strange, Introducing The Bands sets out this purpose. This isn't something you've heard before.

"We Are the Pigs" – 4:19

Built as a single, with a great chorus, the triumphal wailing of the end and the decidedly eerie footnote of the children singing "we all watch them burn", this is a stirring start to the album proper. If you ever need to hear how a great guitarist can create a pop gem, then Bernard Butler does it here. A great riff and even better solo, layers of great guitars. This is what Johnny Marr was in the 80's. And there's horns. The best bit is definitely the build up to the last chorus with "But deceit can't save you so..."

"Heroine" – 3:22

Dischord, clang. More layered guitars. Here we are with something that could have been a single (but wasn't). These were the days when you didn't release all the songs off your album as singles unless you were Michael Jackson.

"The Wild Ones" – 4:50

Just when you think you've got a handle on what is to come, it all comes down a notch. All the deep reverb in the world wouldn't get my voice even close to this. I think some music magazine type would use the the word 'luxuriant' sometime soon. Here come the strings. Its just lovely, so it is. This was a single, and with good reason.

"Daddy's Speeding" – 5:22

We've opened up with the more accessible songs, the singles (or potential ones). This is when this starts to go from a really good album to a great one. And this is when it gets better to listen to in the dark. A more paired-down, less guitar-driven song, just simple piano and an effects-laden chug - reflecting the sombre mood herein. This is what Bowie used to do. Obviously, we're not happy unless we get a wee bit of cacophony action at the end. You're not going to dance to this. But trust me, you really shouldn't be dancing to anything at your age.

"The Power" – 4:31

Just when you were thinking you hadn't heard much acoustic guitar. Brett Anderson has a great ability to great some really great harmonies with himself. A very simple song this, a great chorus with, yes OK, more luxuriant strings action. Again, memories of Bowie, maybe around Man Who Sold The World. There is no doubt that Suede own Bowie albums. No shame in that. Same great la-la-la-ing to finish. It's as David would have wished.

"New Generation" – 4:37

After dropping down in mood for a bit, we're back in single territory again (albeit a very slightly less successful one). Probably the simplest song on the album (certainly the verse) and we're back to the backcloth of the winding riff. But when the chorus hits, oh yes, let's get singing along. But it sounds bad coz it's really high and we drop and octave in embarrassment. More horns. Altogether now "Oh but when she is calling here in my head...". Make sure you get the "Oh" really loud. Nice solo to finish.

"This Hollywood Life" – 3:50

For a very long time this was my favourite song on the album. Why? Turn it up loud (before it starts) and just let the guitar kick into your head ( and is that Bowie on sax ). Definitely the 'rockiest' song on the album. Another stunning chorus. There was a time when I drove to work listening to this album endlessly. I had to stop. Singing the loud/high bit of the end of this song was doing me a damage. I was a risk of simultaneously ripping my vocal chords and passing out. Splitting the song in half is a proper tennis racquet of a guitar solo. And then you go for it. Go for it, I said... "Come take this Hollywood life". Ouch. It was worth it.

"The 2 Of Us" – 5:45

That's it folks. The fun is over. Stop rocking. Stop even vaguely being cheery. Sit back, gets the lights out and well, luxuriate. Stripped back, piano. Great singing. And there it is again, a the big finish, the triumphal ending. It almost sounds hopeful, happy, but it remains sad, laconic. Small piano, fade out. "sickeningly pretty" - brilliant.

"Black or Blue" – 3:48

In the same stripped back piano territory, the vocals remain class (and very high!) but we'll throw in some strings. In any other album this would stand out. But you know what's coming next...

"The Asphalt World" – 9:25

It is genuinely difficult to describe how much I love this song. I like guitars, I like loud, I like 'up'. This song is very sad, depressing even, but is beautiful at the same time. I can't deny it. If you get me drunk enough, I'll cry when this is on. It is just such a complete sound experience (careful now, that's quite a lot wanky). Everything works. The wandering guitar is stunning, a bit of hammond but, above all, its the harmonies in the vocals that makes my spine tingle. Similar to "I Will" by Radiohead, there is something about the harmonies in this song. A music scholar would be able to tell me what it is I like. But OK, let's go back to the guitar. The solo is just great. And then you get to this song's greatest trick, the prog-rocky quiet bit, the slow, slow build up and the Whoomp! as it all crashes back in again and you get another great solo. Mamma Mia! ( no, not that one). "Cos that's where I go, and that's what I do". Lie down in the dark and listen to this. Please.

"Still Life" – 5:23

Imagine that The Beatles had got a grip of Paul and said he wasn't putting "Your Majesty" on the end of Abbey Road but instead they had all settled for something else almost as good as the "Golden Slumbers" medley bit. This album could easily have ended with The Asphalt World (it has that big long track end of album thing) but throwing this in at the end is just showing off. It starts off so simply and builds up into a quite beautiful ballad, although again, don't be fooled by how lovely it all sounds, the lyrics fight back again.

Why did I do this review? Well, more than anything I got to sit and listen to the album end to end (something I rarely do with my random approach) but it also gave me the chance to try and work out what I like it as much as I do. I can tell you why. Listen to this track and wait for the bit as it builds up to the first chorus, the crescendo rising to the vocal peak and bit orchestra hit. That's what I love because the music drags you up with it. This album does that a lot. You can have all the depressing subject matter you like, the sounds alone make you happy.

I've just listened to the whole thing again. It is my favourite album. What a great Friday night. Right then, back onto random.

Meanwhile in 1886...

As with all great butterflies, it doesn't take much to send me off onto another flower. Wasn't feeling too peaky last week, so the slightest suggestion from my Dad/Auntie that I should do some family tree digging had me off and running on a little bit of genealogy. And, I have to say, it was rather good fun.

I started by trotting off down the line of the Liddell men and discovered that my general lack of DIY prowess would have been generally frowned upon by a long line of largely blacksmiths. This lead to my favourite revelation of all. It had long been a source of some vagueness around where my middle name 'McFarlane' came from. I knew that it was shared by my Dad and my great-grandad Jock. He lost a leg in WWI while serving as a Bombardier with the Royal Field Artillery. Looking at his medal record, he left the war on or before 7/7/1915. He died not long before I was born, so I didn't get a chance to bounce on his knee (singular). Anyway, beyond that I didn't know where McFarlane came from.

So I was delighted to discover that my Great-Great Grandad, Robert Liddell married my Great-Great-Grandmother, Euphemia McFarlane in 1886. So I am, at least in part, named after a woman called Euphemia. Which is nice.

Much still do, I've made it as far back as my Great-Great-Great-Great Grandad, James Liddell, although I'm not exactly sure when he was born yet, some time around 1790 seems likely.

Oh, I did most of this on the Scotland's People website. Don't think for a minute that I actually left the groove on the sofa.

1001 Reasons to Be Depressed

I was in the bookshop* yesterday and saw a book called something like "1001 Places to See Before You Die". A very nice picture book, full of interesting locations. There are many of it's type.

It struck me that, if you're not careful, it could be quite a depressing thing. Clearly, I'm not going to see all the places contained within, so I may have to consider my life a failure already. I admit that renaming the book "If you see 10% of these then your life hasn't been a complete waste" or "Just look at the pictures, it's as good as being there" might not sell as well but it would stop the book pulling you up short in the shop and thinking "How many days have I spent in Livingston?"

Although, flicking through the book, I was buoyed by two things, I had been to some of the places and some of the places I hadn't been to were really very dull, methinks they had stretched it a bit to get to 1001.

So, I might still buy the book, albeit I can't find the exact one I saw online. I didn't use my own 'top tip' - take a photo of the book in the shop and then find it online.

* a bookshop! In Livingston! Hurrah! It wasn't busy...

The (not so) Silent Blogger

You may have noticed a large gap in this blog. Have I been remiss in my blogging? Nay not so. I've been off through Europe on the Sucata Run and was blogging furiously on the team blog.

First time I've tried any real-time blogging like that and it was a lot of fun, especially the photo-blogging aspect. A lot of people were following us as we progressed to Portugal. Thanks to all the readers/contributors.

Introducing... The GMail Ad Game

One of the many great things about GMail is the single advert you get at the top of your inbox. As with everything Google-esque, it is context-sensitive to what is going on the page and, particular to GMail, in the email on the page.

So, here is the, I admit entirely pointless, GMail Ad Game. When you send an email to someone's GMail account, add some random phrases/words/whatever and try to get GMail to generate really bizarre ads.

I'll post and crazy ads that I see from any emails sent to me.

Kings of the Hill

It would be remiss of me not to also post this here (it is already on the General Ignorance Blog). We spent today in the blazing sun starting the paint job on our car, The General, for the Sucata Run. I thought I'd try a little time lapse video. It worked pretty well, although my post production skills are slightly lacking. I'll have another go at it when I am less sunburnt.

Half Year Review

At the end of last year I wrote a list herein of things I'd like to accomplish this year. As we are now half way through, thought it time to have an interim review.

1 Great Photograph
Well, still waiting for this one. Taken a few decent ones but even the arrival of the new lens hasn't produced anything great yet. Maybe during the Sucata Run.

100 Sales
Things have been unsurprisingly slow on the sales front. Many kind friends have bought a copy but the lack of availability on Amazon has stopped me pushing it too hard. Facebook ads aren't doing a lot either. Rethink required. 100 sales not impossible.

1 Draft
This is now looking REALLY unlikely. Mainly because of the the next point.

1 New Job
Well, I think I've kinda done this one. Although I'm still in my old job, there is a new job on the horizon. It's not entirely straightforward. Can't tell you. It's a secret.

No Alarms
Not entirely successful here. We lost Uncle Tony this year. A very funny and much loved man. Sadly missed.

Lethal Mizzle

Friday night, wrote Mr Kipling, I stood in a field in the rain watching small figures the size of Hornby railway figures play some loud music I had heard before.

It would be very easy, at this point, to descend into a straight-forward review of Radiohead on Glasgow Green on Friday night, but I wouldn't be saying anything new. The highs were high, the lows were all those tracks that you generally skip over when the randomiser chooses them (so they're not going to be all that welcome while standing in the rain).

So, my third time seeing Radiohead live was much like all the others. Half of the best gig ever. Nuff said.*

I would prefer, at this juncture, to discuss my descent into middle age.**

Now, I was lucky enough to have got the tickets as a present (Thanks sis) so I didn't pay the £40 to get 'in'. But I imagine most of other attendees did pay the money and, instead of standing, watching and listening they:

• walked back and forward endlessly to get drinks
• just walked about a lot, usually past me
• took or smoked drugs (some to extreme excess)

I'm not taking any moral stance on any of this. Walking, drinking, drugging are all things that people can do if they want. But why pay £40 to do it on a wet grass field in the rain?

It's just plain stupid. My name is Victor Meldrew. Goodnight. (no encore).

* although I did really like the sing-a-long during the slow bit of Paranoid Android ("rain down" etc), the crowd singing along was quite apt, sad and laconic, it felt like the tribute song the Zulu's sang after the battle of Rorke's Drift, well, it did to me, maybe I'm just... yes, ok...
** there is a strong possibility that I've always been like this

The Amazon Desert Island Challenge

I was wandering the aisles of a record store on Saturday looking at how cheap all the great albums I already own are. It occurred to me that you could get pretty much everything you really needed by way of entertainment for not very much these days.

So, I dreamt up this challenge. The rules are very simple, viz:

You are about to go to a desert island forever. You have £50 to spend on Amazon. You can only buy books, CD's or DVD's (assume that you can play such on this mystical isle). This will be all the entertainment you will have on the island for the rest of your life.

What would you spend it on? You can make use of any available offers at the time of purchase and assume free postage. You must provide links to the items and their prices.

So, Dear Reader, I look forward to your answer...

*** Edit *** Here are my choices ( 24/06/2008 ). It's not as easy as I thought, I would change this daily I think:

DVD's

The Big Lebowski 3.97
Aliens 3.97
Apollo 13 3.97
Goodfellas 4.97

CD's

Suede - Dog Man Star 5.97
Radiohead - OK Computer 4.97
Smiths - The World Won't Listen 4.98 ( a compromise based on the prices available )
Debussy - Best Of 4.97

Books

HG Wells - Time Machine/Invisible Man 2.50
Zola - Germinal 3.59
Umberto Eco - The Name of the Rose 5.59

Total: £49.45

This August I Will Be Mostly...

The sharp eyed among my reader will notice a new widget on the left. "What's that all about?" you may ask. Well, let me explain.

In a weaker/intelligent/stupid/inspired* moment, I agreed to join a couple on intrepid explorers in doing this year's Sucata Run. I won't labour the details here. Check out the website and help us make (and hopefully exceed) our fundraising target of £1000.

You will be able to follow our progress up to (and hopefully during) the run at the Team General Ignorance website. There's not much there (well nothing) as I type, but I expect it to be full of mirth in the weeks to come, so please keep an eye out.

* delete as appropriate

Bimbogami 2 - The excitement builds...

Testing continues and the tension at Bimbogami Towers rises. It's nice to see that there are people out there trying to find out the launch date. Current answer is "not sure yet" but testing is going well so we don't expect it to be too long. MorFF and I are currently fighting over a couple of puzzles that might not make the cut. The insinuation is that I've tried to be too clever. He may well be right.

Much has been a surprise about the Bimbogami experience. Some random observations:

1. Puzzling 'teams' - who knew these existed. Rest assured that the launch of Bimbogami 2 will allow all the teams an equal crack at it.
2. It's amazing the number of people who don't realise they can use the internet for help ( even with a search box on the page ). For all of you (and there are a lot) stuck on puzzle 1.2 "What Is This?"; you can Google the first line of the puzzle and get the answer. It really is that easy. That's why it's only the 2nd puzzle! Don't over think it now.
3. At the time of writing, 147 people have said the answer to 1.1 "What cheese is made backwards?" is 'eseehc'. Really, how (e)dam stupid are some people? Lovely as they are... Thanks to all for making us smile. Maybe do a 'funniest answers' post sometime. There is one outstandingly funny answer that reduces MorFF to tears every time I mention it. Not sure why though...
4. I'd like to give a personal high five to cucar who is doing a great job battling through bimbogami from Argentina, translating into Spanish as he goes. Amazing stuff...

Back to the grindstone, MorFF is working me very hard...

Rag, Tag and Bobtail

I was tempted to continue "Speed of Spam" experiment by calling this blog post "Britney Spears Naked" but it turns out I didn't have to.*

Once again, I have nothing particularly coherent to say so this will be another collection of stuff.

First of all, I have to say thanks to David Airey for nominating the logo for this blog in his Logo Design Awards. My logo won't (and shouldn't win), but hey, it's nice to take part.

Bit of an 'old news' item this, but I made it onto the BBC website again and, not just my daughter this time, the whole gang.




Many thanks to "The Big A" for spotting this from, of all places, India.

In addition to this, there has been lots and lots of other photo usage and I've been terribly remiss in reporting it here or elsewhere. Here are a few recent ones:

• Pasta
• I'm a German Academic
• London (innit)
• See what the did to my coconut

Lastly (and most important of all), I'd like to congratulate Albo & family for their latest arrival. Delighted just doesn't quite get there.

* see what I did there?

Free Porn - The Aftermath

Well that didn't take long. It took about 18 hours between my last blog post titled 'Free Porn' and my first hit from someone searching for something similar. I imagine it was because they had something specific ( "7/24" matched the time of the post ) in their search that allowed them to get to my blog so quickly. But even so, that's still pretty quick. Can you imagine how disappointed they were when all they got was a picture of me looking like a saddo magician and two peppers kissing?

Watch out next week for my blog post called "Best Book In The World - Buy It Now".

Schrödinger's Documentary

I generally don't do much in the way of TV review or commment but I've seen a couple of things recently that have given me a notion I feel compelled to share.

Last night I watched a 'documentary' called "Willie's Wonky Chocolate Factory". I got pretty much what I expected. A posh guy (somewhat engaging, bit annoying) and his travails to grow and make chocolate. But on occasion it went a bit off-piste with sections of the show that were much more like a cookery show.

Overall it made sense. The guy was trying to punt his chocolate as an ingredient and was therefore using the show to advertise this. But it did very much seem like the inclusion of his 'cookery' slots were very much a condition of the show.

But because of this the show very quickly begun to lose credibility. We see him on the phone trying to get more money from the bank. We see a clip of him (from next week's show) trying to sell the chocolate to Selfridges and being asked "How do we get the message across that this can be used an ingredient?" Hello?

How can these supposed difficuilties be real when the intrusion of the 'reality' TV crew clearly has, in itself, a material impact on the outcome?

Now, I'm not saying that this family didn't have any difficulties but by allowing itself to be an advert for the product, the show can no longer be a true reflection of what (or what could have) happened. This isn't necessarily a bad thing if the story is interesting enough but this collusion between filmer and filmee must surely be done in an open and honest way.

Hopefully at some point in the shows to come, Willie will be up front with someone and just say "Look, all this is on TV, what better advertising do you want?"

Next week, Channel 4 come and talk to me about my book and how interesting it would be if everyone bought it. While I drone on about the difficulities of the creative process and how hard it is for new authors to get noticed.

Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow

Slow
Progress on Terra Exitus is very slow. Got off to a flyer but then things got quite busy workwise and I have ground to a halt. I hope to pick it up again this week. Even if I get something down I'l feel a bit better.

Slow
The Beatle Man should be available on Amazon in a couple of weeks or so. It seems to be taking an age so time, in this sense, is moving very slowly.

Quick
As mentioned above, things have got quite busy of late work-wise. Despite the impact on writing this is generally a positive thing as, in truth, I'd been betting a little bored. Now I'm getting picked up by the scruff on Monday morning and flung to Friday night. Coupled with some travelling and weeks are flying by. Which doesn't stack up against point #1, but hey, things don't always have to make sense.

Quick
It's the 2nd March. How did that happen?

Slow
Not being doing much photography either. Not had the time or the weather so output has slowed to a drip. That said, photo usage is on the up, last week saw quite a few magazine covers, book covers, posters etc. Must do another photo usage post. Hoping to get some good photos next weekend when I go to Islay.

"It's gonna be a glorious day!"

Fridays are normally good days. I particularly liked this one for four main reasons:

1. I received the final proof copy of The Beatle Man today and have just approved it for distribution. In about 6 weeks it will be available to buy from all the regular online book retailers.

"We are standing on the edge."

2. I'm going to submit the proof copy to the British Library tomorrow.

3. I discovered, by lucky hap, that That Petrol Emotion has trying to reform for a tour. I'd never considered this was possible not least because the guys had gone on to do their own things and Steve was on the other side of the Altlantic. I very much hope they can get it together and I will do whatever I can to make sure I make to one or more of the gigs nearest to me. True believers unite.

4. I got my Bimbogami T-Shirt today. And very fine it looks too. Watch out for the new live chat feature on the site, I'm almost certainly sure it will be the first puzzle site to provide such a feature.

In other news, I finally got my hands on scottliddell.com. The fools in China must have realised it wasn't going to make them any money. I'm still thinking what precisely to do with it!

Yog-hurt

Much as I understand I may be opening myself to ridicule from some quarters, I thought it important to talk of my first ever yoga experiences on Friday night. So, if you dare risk losing your lunch to imagine the scene, read on...

I have a foot problem which means I'm quite creaky on occasion. My last visit to the podiatrist resulted in a recommendation to do a lot of stretching and a suggestion that yoga might help. Now, given that my wife is a yoga instructor, it does seem like the fates were always ganging up on me to give it a go.

I have resisted for quite some time. It's the all the spiritual nonsense in yoga that puts me off a bit, but the fact that I knew I would find it next to impossible was probably the bigger factor.

So, I finally gave it a go and it was every bit as hard as I thought it would. It seems that I am only vaguely human. Even bits of me I thought were OK failed me horribly. My shoulders, for example (which have never been a problem), were unable to get my arms into seemingly straightforward places. It was a very odd experience. I was essentially doing nothing much, just getting myself into various positions, but it was unbelievably knackering.

It really is very good stuff. You can feel how well the very positions have been thought through as bits of you you had forgotten about start to stretch and wail. So, if I have ever given the impression that I thought it was a lot of WOP then I apologise. Obviously, I can do without the meditation and plinky-plonky stuff, but it might just get me walking a bit better. Which can't be bad. Don't be surprised if my next blog post is with a leg in traction.

Best Album Tracks Ever

Round this time of year, you do often find yourself in the mood for lists. Earlier today, I was listening to one of my favourite albums, Dog Man Star and mused over how many great tracks there were on the album that never made the light of day as singles. And naturally that leads on to "So what are the best album tracks ever?". The definition being any tracks that have never been released as singles and only 1 per artist. In addition, choices that will annoy Stuart have been specially selected. I imagine there are countless versions of my list, but today, this is the list I came up with. As they say on the X-Factor, in no particular order:

Suede - Dog Man Star - Asphalt World
Well, listening to this gave me the idea, so best place to start. I can never quite put my finger on why I love this song so much, but I just do. Listen to it in the dark, its sublime. There are other notable album tracks on Dog Man Star but this is my fave.

The Beatles - Rubber Soul - In My Life
I've never really taken part in the Lennon Vs McCartney debate but this song shows that when John was on top form he could produce songs that Paul could never get near. In My Life is one of these, 2 mins 24 seconds of genius.

The Smiths - Meat Is Murder - What She Said
Like The Beatles, Bowie and a few others, you could spend a long time just listing great Smiths' songs that were never singles. Therefore, its quite hard to choose one but What She Said is where Marr's guitar meets Morrissey's words come together at their very best. There is only one rule. Play it loud.

New Order - Low Life - Sunrise
Probably not a popular choice, but these lists will invariably get infected by personal nostalgia. Sunrise was one of those songs that got played endlessly when I was 15/16. And, like so many other New Order songs, is generally better when Barney isn't singing. Check out the vid, a classic New Order live performance. If you've seen them live you'll know what I mean. Also, look out for some top quality moshing. Its a shame I never did make it to the Hacienda.

Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not - View From The Afternoon
Another thing that often blights lists like these is their somewhat contemporary nature. Check out any Q Top 100 to see what I mean. So, this makes it on the list as I've been listening to it a lot recently. It was a close run thing between this and Fake Tales of San Francisco, but as that doesn't really get good until 2 minutes in, this had to win. But if you haven't heard Fake Tales, check out the end, wig-out-tastic.

PJ Harvey - Bring You My Love - Long Snake Moan
Any great artist who is not a prolific singles releaser will always cause a problem with this list. Polly is one of these. Again, its not easy to pick one. Obviously, I could have gone for Kamikaze to keep Stuart happy, but I've always loved Long Snake Moan, its just cries out to be played at full bung, maybe even 12. I VERY nearly went for Rid of Me, watch the vid, you'll see why. Actually, I've just watched the live performance again, can I change my mind?

Portishead - Dummy - Roads
The live version of this could have been one of the best moments in music ever if it hadn't been for some dumb Americans not knowing where the end of the song was (watch the video, you'll see what I mean). Still unbelievably good nonetheless. Another one for a dark room.

Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures - New Dawn Fades
This should be a joint thing with "Day of the Lords" but New Dawn Fades swings it because of the lyrics. Cut to me standing in a bedroom with an unamplified electric giutar playing along with some quiet gusto.

Oasis - Definitely Maybe - Slide Away
Obviously, I was close to choosing Rock 'N' Roll Star but I've always a had soft spot for Slide Away. I think it was once claimed to be Paul McCartney's favourite Oasis song.

Radiohead - OK Computer - Exit Music (for a film)
Radiohead (and similarly Muse) are quite a tricky proposition when it comes to a list like this. They seem to have had a knack of releasing the best songs as singles. You can kind of understand why this wasn't a single but the loss to the charts is this list's gain. The bass kicking in still gives me goose bumps.

Thomas Dolby - The Flat Earth - Screen Kiss
So obscure its not on YouTube, so great it should be. Fab lyrics.

David Bowie - Aladdin Sane - Cracked Actor
Its very difficult to deal with Bowie in this list. There is a lot to choose from and a lot of things that have been released as a single in one way or another. I could probably list 10 without pausing but you have to choose one and before you go thinking that I'm all a bit melancholy and naval gazing, this will bump it up a notch. I love this song (with apologies to all the great tracks on Hunky Dory).

The Fall - Live At The Witch Trials - Frightened
No explanation required. Can't find a video, so instead here's Mark in fine form at the Von Sudenfed gig I was at.

Jesus and Mary Chain - Psychocandy - Taste The Floor
It was a straight fight between this and "In a Hole" and this won because it was on "the tape" and it didn't kill my fingers on an acoustic guitar like "In a Hole" did. This one was easier too.

The Sundays - Reading, Writing and Arithmetic - My Finest Hour
Come back Harriet, come to my house for tea. Another cracking chorus from one of the great, forgotten voices. Why "Can't Be Sure" was picked before this as a single escapes me.

The The - Infected - The Mercy Beat
Matt Johnson before the Hank Williams fixation. Another great builder. Video ain't bad either, if you like that 80's kinda thing.

That Petrol Emotion - Manic Pop Thrill - Tightlipped
OK, so you were wondering when I would have a That Petrol Emotion song. Obviously, hugely tempted by Creeping to the Cross, but that's what you were expecting. So I've gone for Tightlipped, always loved the chorus. Ask me tomorrow, I will have changed my mind. Sadly, can't find a video for this, so have Genius Move instead and then listen to me killing it (if you dare).

Turin Brakes - The Optimist - State of Things
This is a little bit of a cheat as I think it was maybe an E.P. but what the hell, who's going to disqualify me? Can't find a video, so have Long Distance instead, candidate for the "Best Chorus Ever" award, but it was a single so can't be listed here.

Andy White - Rave On - Things Start To Unwind
So good I've got the title on a T-Shirt. Half nostalgia, half coz its great. I love songs that build up steadily (none better than this). Can't find a vid so here's Andy proving he's seen some Bob Dylan.

Blur - Blur - You're So Great
OK, so its really a Graham Coxon song but a hidden gem nonetheless, quite Bowie-esque. Tricky choice as there were a good few candidates but this won out over tracks like Best Days and This Is A Low.

Belle and Sebastian - Fold Your Hands Child, You Walk Like A Peasant - Don't Leave The Light On Baby
Not the greatest quality, but listen anyway, fantastic, should have been a single, best song by a Scottish band for many, many years.

Fun Boy Three - Waiting - The More I See The Less I Believe
So good I wrote an essay about it at school. Terry, if you're out there, you're a hero.

Travis - The Man Who - Slide Show
Bet you didn't see that one coming? Forget all the light and breezy singles, this is the best song on the album. And its dead easy to play on the guitar too, which helps.

B. 52's - Good Stuff - Deadbeat Club
Again, another nostalgia trip I'm afraid. It was 1990, it was sunny and I was a studying to this album. This track shows that they could be a very good, straightforward pop act. When Fred shut up. Probably doesn't deserve to be on the same list as some of these other tracks but hey, its my list.

Claude Debussy - Clair de Lune
OK, this is definitely a cheat but, strictly speaking, it wasn't released a single. Speaks for itself.

So, there you have it. I have to say, I've had immense fun putting this together, far more than you'll ever get from reading it. It has taken hours as I watched all the videos and many more besides. Hope you watch a few, they are all fab.

Happy New Year!

This year I are mostly going to...

I'm not one for New Year resolutions. I have always contended that if you want to do something, just do it. Don't wait for an arbitrary point in time start. (Same goes for the "I'll start my diet next week" crowd).

So, instead of resolutions, I thought I list some things I would like to achieve in 2008 and see how I do against that list this time next year. Here goes:

1 Great Photograph
I'm giving myself a whole year to take 1 great photograph. That's all I want. Just one. Bearing in mind that, despite already having taken 1000's of photographs already, I still haven't managed one.

100 Sales
I'd like to sell 100 copies of The Beatle Man. I've no idea if this is a realistic target or not. I suspect it depends on whether or not I have 100 friends or family with more disposable income than sense. To help me along, I'm counting the 4 I've sold already. 96 to go.

1 Draft
I'd like 2008 to be the year I did the 1st draft of Terra Exitus. I don't think I can get anywhere near finishing it in a year, but hopefully I can get most of it down.

1 New Job
As with the last few years, I enter the New Year unsure of where I will be working in a year's time. I think its more likely this year that I'll be doing something different in 12 months time. Over-inflated offers on a postcard...

No Alarms
1997 was a very tough year for me. When I entered 1998 I used the line "No Alarms and no surprises please" as a motto. 10 years on, I see no need to change that. The main thing from this year is that we are all fine and dandy and ready to laugh at my failures on the preceeding points. Hopefully they'll sing it live in June.

6' 5" Brazilian Pansy

I'm not usually one to go off in a current affairs kind of way, but having just watched the Celtic Vs AC Milan game, I feel compelled to write. First of all, I should say, I'm not a Celtic fan, so have no bias. Celtic won the game, but I fear they may lose the war.

I'm not condoning the actions of the brainless twonk that ran on the pitch and lightly brushed th AC Milan goalkeepr, Dida. I hope he is identified, banned for life and given an accidental kicking from some real fans. He may just have cost his beloved club big.

Its hard to see how Celtic will escape serious punishment for this, but my point relates to the ridiculous play-acting of the keeper. Losing the game, the altercation from the fan gave him a chance to benefit by collapsing in an idiotic heap. Of course, the fan should never have given him the opportunity to do this, but I'd like to think that UEFA will do something against the keeper too.

The fan didn't hurt him in the slightest. He was a tiny we nyaff who brushed his hand against the cheek of the Herculean Brazilian. In fact, before going down, Dida's initial reaction was to chase after him. It then dawned on him that he could profit from this and duly descended to the turf clutching his face and was, unbelieveably, stretchered off with an ice pack on his face.

I've seen City of God a number of times. I've been led to believe that Brazilians are tougher than that. I feel robbed. I hope that the entire Brazilain nation are embarrassed by him. I have no doubt that the similar collection of pansies in UEFA will focus more on the actions of the fan but I think the overacting is far more insidious and should be dealt with equally harshly. This is a feint hope. Feining injury is becoming the norm and it is a blight on the beautiful game. The problem will always be that the furore around the initial crime of the fan could and will mask the acting and he'll get away with it.

Remember, another Brazilian, Rivaldo, was fined a paultry £5K for something similar.

I'd like to think that no Scottish player would ever do this. In fact, if they summoned the spirit of Smeato and lamped the idiot fan, so much the better. Trouble is, you'd get in more trouble for that than lying on the floor like Hamlet in his final scene.

I make this simple plea:

Dear Mr Platini,
Punish Celtic, closed-doors whatever. But don't let Dida away with this. Ban the lanky twecker* for at least 2 games otherwise your going to create a much bigger problem.
Yours,
A Fan of Football

I'm just glad I'm not a Celtic fan or I really would be raging.

* OK, you're French, think Vichy.

EDIT: 5/10/07
I am very heartened to see the reaction of AC Milan and Italy as a whole to Dida's antics. Congratulations to them all, seems there is still some honour left in the world.

Sunday Morning Loud Lawnmowers

I cut the hedge yesterday. More remarkable than you would imagine. But as I did it, a vague idea for this blog post started to solidify. Its all about progress, more of the hedge later.

Everything progresses, everything moves forward, we try to make everything better. We invent new things, new ways of doing old things, things that make bad things better. We improve. Some do this for the betterment of all things. Cures for diseases and the like, but progress is a thing of commerce. Quite often, things don't need to get better, but unless there is a new, improved version. then there is nothing else to sell.

My favourite analogy for this is computer games. When the Commodore 64 was unleashed, I really couldn't see why you'd need anything else. Great games, great fun, perfect. Same, for the original Playstation. Wow. Right. That'll do. No it won't. We need to sell you another 'improved' version. Well, do you?

This applies to almost everything. My TV is great, but I feel I need an HD one (I don't). I can make toast under the grill, but I have a toaster etc, etc, I won't labour it. Commercially driven innovation.

And therein lies the problem. We progress, innovate along discrete paths unique to their own domain, TV's get better, drugs get better, the Internet gets more pervasive. Each strand, fuelling its own progress to an attempt to sell more. And we all believe that any and all such progress must be a good thing. After all, so much of human innovation has made such a big improvement to all our lives. Running water, heat, food, we nailed the basics many years ago. We are healthier, we live longer but, in all of this, are we still getting better?

Let's imagine there is some central measure of wellness or good in humanity. I know this is a bizarre ideal, but bear with me. You can't argue that sanitation or penicillin was to the overall good of things but looking at the modern world, which of the recent technology innovation has really helped? We are hooked to our phones, PDA's, laptops (ahem), we are information junkies. We are wired. All the stuff that we used to have to spend time doing is done for us, so we have so much time to do, well, stuff. So, we get fat, we have soaring childhood obesity, we have all a whole new set of psychological problems that simply didn't exists 30 years ago.



Keeping it simple with the SLR


The problem is that there is no central arbitration of whether or not any given innovation is for the 'common good'. No one says, "Nope, we'd better not build this ultimate entertainment device, people will stay in and get fat". We assume that moving forward is good for us, hasn't it always? Perhaps we've started to innovate and progress beyond the point of maximum wellness? On the face of it, it looks like things are getting better but perhaps we are just at the early stages of new, bigger problems, created by ourselves. And I'm not talking Global Warming yada-yada, I'm talking about more personal issues, health, mental and psychological. Just how happy do you feel every day?

Do you ever really feel at ease? When are you blissfully relaxed? I like to be out in the open, in the air. With my Digital SLR...

There has to be a strong argument that the whole 'wellness' measure would benefit from far more simplicity in how we live. I, and I know others the same, often hark back to previous times with a large degree of fondness. You think you are being glassy-eyed old fool, you think that your memory is flawed. But its not that simple. Some things are better now, some things were better then. Its not an either or.

A long time ago, people thought hedges round their garden were a good idea. They were cheap, you grew them. They were nice looking, they were plants. You had time to cut them, because there was nothing else to do.

So, what do I want? Do I want to put up a fence? Do I want someone else to put up a fence for me. Do I want a machine that cuts the hedge automatically? Maybe with lasers, yeah baby.

Or do I want to leave the hedge and cut it myself. Because its simple. It gets me away from this machine, from the multitude of stimuli that fill my head. It forces me to listen to what is happening in my head. Just me and the hedge. Maybe I need the Sunday morning loud lawnmowers, the simple things. But not an electric blanket. At least some innovations end up where they deserve to be.

What is better for me? Sure, someone would make money from the Laser Hedge Ray, I would avoid cutting the hedge. But I would contest that that wouldn't be better for me. That wouldn't be progress. It would be human innovation but not human betterment.

Until we learn to separate the two, there is going to be a lot of correction to look forward to as we settle back down until how life should be.

Ever Since I've Been Completely Addicted To Cities

I have, for some time, been fascinated with cities. I can't quite put my finger on why but there is something about the complexity of a city that makes you think "How can that all work?"

Cities to me to be huge complex organisms, massive consumers of food and power, massive producers of waste and pollution. But I'm not going off on some eco-rant, the process of supply and waste removal is equally fascinating. The logistics of making a city work are often truly staggering and, similarly, when the progress in logistics don't match city growth, the outcome can be equally staggering, only in a different way. Almost literally.

I've been lucky enough in the last few weeks to visit two of the great cities of the world, London and Mumbai (Bombay). There is much that differentiated them but, strangely, they still have much in common.

In London, I visited the excellent exhibition on Global Cities at the Tate Modern. The growth and extent of many of the mega-cities is staggering. It simply served to fuel my fascination. Soon after, walking along the Embankment, I happened to pass the statue of Jospeh Bazalgette. Not a name many have heard of but one of the men who made London work.

So, when I then drove past open sewers and slums in Mumbai a few weeks later, it became obvious that when a city growth is quicker than the development of its infrastructure then its not going to smell all that good and getting about on the roads could be a little, well, slow.

And yet, for all its problems, Mumbai remains eternally fascinating. It was nearly 7 years since my last visit and I was very keen to see what had changed in that time. The simple answer is, not that much.

The trouble is, its not easy to describe. I just watched a half-hour documentary called 'Mumbai Uncovered' - it didn't even get close. It has a particular madness of its own. As blog content goes something that is not easy to describe isn't all that much use, but I'm going to try. This is the story of one 2 hour car journey, as best as I can...

---

Night falls quickly in the tropics. The bats wake up early. Leaving the air-conditioned modern office we crossed into a dark world of heat and monsoon rain hanging in the air. The cars were hiding somewhere, the drivers waiting all day for us to emerge.

These were the same drivers that had collected us at the airport earlier that day and had driven us through thundering monsoon rain to the office for meetings. People ran for cover, the thin plastic sides of auto-rickshaws were dropped to provide some protection for the passengers.

All we had to do was sit and watch, protected by our cocoon. A modern car, our portable planet, a breathable atmosphere from our world to help us cope with this one. All the rain did was limit the view, for a while. Then as quick as it started, it stopped. Someone put the plug back in.

The day passed without incident and with impeccable hospitality. Even the bats were good enough to go for a fly while we waiting to leave, their immense wingspan filling the darkening sky.

We get in the car and it is already cold. I shiver, the sweat chilling me. I'm not scared. I know they were fruit bats. I'm not entirely sure what time it is. I've not been to bed. Well, I have, but on a plane that got chucked about the sky for a few hours. So not really.

The cars pull away. Three of them. A Gumball Rally of sorts. Special rules, first one to make into 4th gear wins. Could take a while, if ever. Let's settle for last one to the bar charges the beer to their room. We didn't know then that the bar was two hours away.

Two hours is a lot of travel time. You can drive to Aberdeen from Edinburgh, you can almost fly the length of Iran. Maybe its just a busy night. It is August 14th, the night before Independence Day. 60 years since British rule.

Its cooler in the dark and people seem to be more active, more numerous. The sides of the road bustle with people sitting, walking, talking - living. They all seem to have a purpose, a reason. Its not immediately obvious. But no one looks lost or concerned. A thundering river of metal runs past their house but they could be sitting in a field in a Flake advert.

The middle of road is full of cars. Going in both directions. In the middle of the road. Not all roads are lit. Some cars have headlights. Some of them work. Sometimes you can only tell you are passing other cars with the 'click-clack' sound of wing mirrors clipping each other. No one blinks, nothing is exchanged, not even harsh glances.


And the horns, the constant horns. Like a blind man being guided with bells, the horns are all that keep you from being hit. Left bell, go right, right bell, go left. No one looks, they listen. Constant small corrections based on the cacophony around them. Corrections sometimes sudden, stopping is all too often a good idea.

There is one very dark stretch of road that snakes up a hill through what looks like a bustling village area. There is not a square inch of road not covered with car. Our car scrabbles for grip at the edge road, crunching through rubble and dirt. It doesn't sound good but the driver doesn't flinch. He's too busy filling the space in front, obeying the only rule.

After 45 minutes of 10 metre increments, we feel like we have gone far. "How much further?" we ask hopefully. "We have gone 5%" says the eternally patient driver. This is as funny as it is surprising. Sit back and relax. This is going to take a while.

One benefit of such slow progress is the opportunity to observe almost minute detail that would otherwise flash by. A poster advertises lessons in English "Speak English Fluently - Grammatiacally(sic) Correct". Its priceless. You couldn't make it up. Tiredness makes it far funnier than it need be. We stop behind a bus and an advert proclaims "DuroTurf Doormats - the only doormats effective against dirt and muck." This, again, is hysterical in its own way. It seems naive, but maybe its simplicity is effective. It is typically India. A different approach, direct, plain, obvious and yet, well, not sophisticated, but...it works

You see that kind of simple, language everywhere. Its English, but not as we would immediately recognise it. Certain aspects of how they use the language is entirely their own. Roads are barely complete or hardly repaired, signed declare "Inconvenience is regretted." The ghost of Hughie Green proclaims "and we mean that most sincerely folks". And they do. Just not enough to do something about it. It is part of the conundrum.

We pass through many areas. Small centres of commerce where similar traders group together. Ironmongers. Everyone in the street seems to have an iron swing. Barefooted welders send sparks fly out into the night.

A concrete ridge forms the middle of the road. The only way you can stop the flow of traffic in one direction spilling across the whole width. In some places, previous incidents leave broken concrete blocking the road and cars and rickshaws dart and swerve to avoid it. For some it is too hot too long. A car sits at the side of the road, bonnet up, expired in the heat. Two more bear witness to a crash. Only when we pass do we see that a third car probably caused the accident and has long since departed the scene. The front car is caved in, precious water leaking out onto the road. A civil conversation seems to be going on about the incident, inconvenience will be regretted.

The driver counts down the distance in percent. We cross half-way with a whoop of delighted and a text message from one of the other cars asking if we are still alive. Despite the tiredness, you still feel very alive. Cars lurch at you, pass within millimetres or less, the endless cacophony. It is all happening. Simultaneously. Right outside the window. And yet, its not dangerous, there is no peril. You are in it, but you are still separate from it. I'm not going wherever most of these people are going.

There are two cities. One overlayed on the other. We travel in our 'space suits' between oases while the other city gets on with its business oblivious of ours. And yet, they see us, in our cars. And they look. But it is fascination, not resentment. And that, more than anything, tells you all you need to know about them.

We arrive at the hotel after nearly two hours and into a final irony. We can see the hotel, but we can't go in. In takes another 10 minutes and a crazy U-turn before we can get on the right side of the road to enter.

The madness of the street is left behind and we enter the splendour of the hotel. We might as well be on the moon for all the connection we have with what is going on outside.

Sign O' The Times

Just watched Man U win 7-0. Funny thing was it was two games simultaneously. I watched Man U Vs Glentoran on TV and Man U Vs Dunfermline streamed live on the laptop.

First of all, its was an odd experience watching two games simulataneously but it was entirely possible and I didn't miss anything significant.

Secondly, it really does bring home the all pervasive nature of live football. I remember when a live game, especially a live Man U game, was a major treat. Now I can watch two at the same time.

Thirdly, shows how good broadband and streaming technology is these days that I was able to watch the game full screen on the laptop very comfortably.

Fourthly, how big is the Man U squad? Jings, its not like either of the teams we put out was weak. Amazing the number of great players that have nothing to do most weekends.

Finally, for the record, we beat Dunfermline 4-0 (on the laptop) and Glentoran 3-0 (on TV).

Come on the Reds.

Indolent

Clip, clop, ring, knock, ring, Stop mithering! As a man once said. And suddenly the blog erupts in frustration. I'm out of energy at the moment and the list of things I want to do sits before me, fetid and irritating.

I've got excuses. Of course. I was in London last week. I've had a cold this week. And its not like I've done nothing. Next to nothing, yes. Skittered about with Facebook and did some stuff on another blog (oh yes, another one, ssshhh, which incredibly got over 2000 hits in one day).

I also submitted this year's entries to The Everyman. Not feeling hugely confident, but we'll see.

I will post some photos here tomorrow night by way of an apology to myself.

And next week, well, lets not make any promises. But I'd really like to get something done on Terra Exitus before I disappear to India the week after.

Snotty boy. Lazy boy. Get on with it.

Electronically Tagged

It has been brought to my attention that I have been 'tagged'. Seems to be some devilish Web 2.0 nonsense that I really shouldn't darken my door with but, since I am devoid of creativity, I will allow it. (Although it does seem a little ridiculous). Although finding 8 people to spread this onto will be a little tricky...finding 8 people I'm prepared to admit that I do this kind of thing to is even harder...

These are the rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and include these rules in the post.
4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

So, my 8 things:

1. I once ate cheese toasties in the Board Room of the largest company in India. I was very hungry at the time. They were great.
2. I once won a copy of 'Beaky and the Egg Snatchers' for the ZX Spectrum in a magazine. There were 100 winners and my name was printed first.
3. I support Manchester United, my name is on the pavement outside the ground and I attended my first match at Old Trafford while still in the womb. (And I still get tears in my eyes whenever I see the goals against Bayern in 1999.)
4. I once sold George Takei 3 postcards. They cost 45p. He said "Is that a 50? I'm not familiar with you currency." I kept my pants dry. Just.
5. I was so good at the original Monaco GP arcade game that I could run the score off the top of the scoreboard.
6. I've had a novel rejected by a publisher. Therefore I am now 'proper'.
7. I really don't like needles, but had two inoculations this week and the nurse said I was 'very brave'.
8. I'm a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts. Thought I should have at least one sensible one. They'll be very proud if they read this.

I don't have 8 people to tag so, sorry, I'm going to fail to perpetuate this tomfoolery. Does that mean I'm out of Fight Club now? Good, I was a bit worried that I might be Meat Loaf's character anyway.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Sometimes I feel I little torn. During a favourite and frequent pastime (listening to music repeatedly clicking the Stumble button) I arrived at this Wikipedia page.

And then I arrive at an oft repeated conundrum. I am torn between two opinions:

1. "Oooh, that's quite interesting."


2. "What eejit spent their time not only thinking that up but explaining it too.

Generally 1. wins. That's probably a good way of defining geek. There must be a strong non-geek part of me because, depending on mood, it can win. Another good example is this, which I watched to the end and rather than thinking "idiots", I thought, "Mmmm...that looks like fun, not a waste of time at all"

But hey, its fun to rejoice in the weirdness of language (or the Japanese). Lets face it, there are far worse things on the Internet.

In no way, shape or form

"In no way, shape or form"

Listen up people, PLEASE stop saying this useless phrase. It is driving me mad.
One of "way", "shape" or "form" is enough. Really. It is.
Thanks, I appreciate your cooperation. Coz if you don't I'll drive over your head in my car, vehicle or automobile.

The Ethics of Medical Research

There is probably a rule (unwritten or otherwise) somewhere that says you are probably best not to blog about things about which you have no knowledge or experience. Come to think of it, there probably isn't, so on we go.

Driving home last week I was listening to some news coverage of some ruling on the creation of hybrid embryos as a mix of human and animal genes. As ever with these things, the scientists say "This is an essential part of our work" and the morality wing say "Oh the horror! Have you seen the fly?". I find it easy to sympathise with both sides of the argument. It simply doesn't sound right to go gene-splicing about the place willy-nilly creating odd beasts for the sake of progress and similarly you could say "but hey, if it improves lives, saves lives, no one gets hurt, go for it."

This all stems for the seemingly unquenchable need for us, as humans, to progress, to make things better. It has always been this way. No one would say that what Burke and Hare did (in the city in which I currently type) was in any way justified (morally or otherwise) but yet medical research benefited from it. But it is too easy to make these kind of comparisons. It doesn't feel valid to me. I'll leave it to others more qualified than I to debate the point at which life exists etc but to my simple mind, mature, controlled research at a cellular level doesn't strike me as barbaric or immoral in any way. That's not to say that there aren't risks and this kind of thing needs to be done under tight legislative control.

There is one fundamental question in all of this that I never hear asked, never mind get answered. We have, over a number of years, progressed a massive amount in medical science. People live longer, healthier lives in general surviving things that would have wiped out those in recent generations. Trouble is, we've probably done all the easy stuff. That's why things seem to be progressing to a smaller scale, genetic level. (if I can offer a horrible analogy, like physics going from dynamics, to atomic, to sub-atomic level).

The question is, if people are going to object to this new kind of research being done, are they prepared to stand up and say "That's it, we're going no further, all of you with diseases x, y and condition z, we're doing nothing for you because we don't like the path it takes us down on moral grounds"?

Because the truth, as I understand it, is that there are a whole number of conditions that we can do very little about unless we start to get very clever with genetic therapies etc. If we are happy that we have taken life expectancy and survivability as far as we'd like then fine. Kill the research and buy the poor sods we are ignoring some nice flowers.

But that's never an angle I hear. Its always the "Oh the humanity!" Burke and Hare reaction and questions answered with phrases with things like "but that's not the point".

I simply cannot conceive of or believe in a future where the human race stops trying to make things better. There cannot be a plateau that can be reached at which point we will ever say "that'll do eh? pint anyone?" Therefore I would encourage the "anti" lobby to continue to campaign but to do it in a way that accepts that progress is inevitable and that all such research should be carried out properly, openly and in a controlled and legislated manner.

Its very easy to envisage a future dystopia from these type of proposals but it is even easier to witness the dystopian existence of people living now. I doubt anyone campaigning today could look into the eyes of any of these people and say that they didn't want to help.

What seems to be missing is trust. How we get that though is probably a far more difficult question.

Normal trite nonsense service will be resumed shortly...

Answers on a postcard

As you get older, although you are aware of your gradual change in appearance, I'm not sure if you ever stop looking outside from behind your eyes with younger eyes. There comes a point, unbeknownst to you, when other people look at you at start to thing, there's a fat/old/grey/bald guy.

Recently, I was doing a portrait shoot and I sat in front of the camera and let my daughter click the button. I ended up with this picture:




Now, I thought this was a reasonable picture, but, quite rightly, others saw it with less biased eyes and have had a number of amusing reactions. In no particular order, I am:

• Sir Alan Sugar - courtesy of Stuart
• Minty from Eastenders - from MorFF
• Grant Stott - from WDG
• John Peel/Matthew Kelly - from McGenius

Says it all when you are happy with looking like Grant Stott.

So, lets keep up coming, more unflattering comparisons please, I need to get used to it, this is as good as its gonna get!

Disappointment - The FA Cup Final 2007

I'm not going to drivel on in a boring way about football. It's just not a bloggy type thing. But really, could the FA Cup Final have been any worse? Obviously, if I was a Chelsea fan I wouldn't give two hoots (although I do remember how bad 1999 was really, despite the end).
But as a Man Utd fan (yes, I know I'll be encouraging daft comments with this, but lets just clear this up now, I was in the Stretford end as a foetus in 1969, I don't care if I'm Scottish and live in Edinburgh, I was born in Manchester, I'm proper Red, right? My name is even on the pavement outside the ground. Gottit? good. ).
So, as I was saying, as a Man Utd fan is was not only the most boring game imaginable, it was so against everything you'd expect them to be. We had won the league, done the hard bit, we should have played with freedom. But we didn't. We played not to lose in the hope that something would magical happen. That's no way to do it.
Neither team really looked like a decent team until they brought on another striker and by then the game was far to nervy to have much shape.
We should have gone at them from the start, if they had scored a goal early, so what, it would have clarified what we had to do. Make no mistake, hanging on for penalties wasn't good for us. We would have lost on penalties. Don't ask me how I know, we would have. Sir Alex knew that, he said as much before the game. So why all the caution? I honestly have no idea.

My point is this, you don't get anything without being prepared to take a degree of risk. You have to set out to win. There is a lesson there for many things I'm sure.

I'm not denying that Chelsea are very hard to break down but a bit of pace and movement and Scholes would have picked the passes and won us the game. Instead we played to avoid losing. Which was a real disappointment. I'm not as disappointed at losing as I am at the way we lost.
I've been watching United since I was very small. I can tell when its going to be a good day and I knew early on that we weren't playing at the right tempo. I'd love to see this stat, in the games were Utd get a corner in the first 5 minutes, how many do they lose? I bet its not many.
One good thing, it was great to see the coverage before the game showing Norman Whiteside's goal that won the 1985 cup. I was 15 and remember standing on the coffee table near to tears screaming when it went in. Shame it wasn't like that yesterday. Although, obviously, if I had a coffee table it would doubtless be in bits if it had happened, I'm not the skelf I once was.

27th April 2007

My Mum would have been 60 today. If she hadn't died almost 10 years ago now. Its hard to know exactly what to feel. The whole Mersault thing tries to kick in and tell me its just another day, just another 27th April. But it isn't. It's significant.

It's significant because it reminds me of three things.

1. How young she was when she died. 60 would still be considered young so to not get within 10 years of that...

2. How long ago it was that she died. I've lived nearly 10 years without her.

3. I'm reminded that I can't really type this kind of thing without fighting back tears. 10 years on, it seems that I'm still not really over it. I suspect I never will be.

But I am sure of is this. I'm here, I'm healthy and I'm happy which is all she ever lived for anyway. So I really don't need to worry.

Track of the day:
It has to be, Birthday by The Sugarcubes

I am RAM, this is ROM

There is a unbelievable temptation to try to become a geek philosopher. Take established thinking and re-tell it with a techy-vibe and try to present it as something new. A temptation so great, that I am going to do it. Why not. Its not like I'm alone.


"The Permanence of the Water and the Hills"

Its a question of permanence. As you get older (and particularly when people around you start to die) you lose the sense of the infinite you have when you were young. I first really noticed this when my attitude to collecting changed. There was a time when I would have (and did) collect just about anything. Stamps, coins, football programmes, games consoles, CD's, VHS cassettes, DVD's, books, the list is a collection in itself. Over time, my temptation to collect has reduced. I think this is partly due to a new 'what is the point?' attitude that makes me think that ultimately all this stuff will just be some a big pile of rubbish that my beleaguered descendants will have to dispose of. This is, of course, terrible fatalistic and, while I'm alive I can doubtless benefit from such thing from the sense of 'having' that collectors will know well.

In a less tangible way, I began to wonder about the vast amounts of information I have collected in my head. As many who know me will testify, I know a vast amount of garbage and have, over the years, actively set out to learn more stuff and 'collect' more garbage to remember. Obviously, this is handy for well, quizzes mainly, but if it makes me feel better than it does no harm. But unlike physical collections, this accumulation of knowledge will disappear in an instance, all 21 grams of it. Viz, I am RAM.

Of course, when I first read "Being and Nothingness" I don't think I really understood it (and probably wouldn't now) but I'm sure JPS wouldn't have of a clue about blogs either. So there.

Therefore, this kind of thinking compels you to look for some degree of permanence that can come from this accumulation of such easily lost knowledge and experience. Its not really about "nothingness" if you don't want it to be. Clearly, this is one of the central joys of having children. Not only physical creations but hopefully you can give them the tools they need to have a better attempt at life than you have managed.

Maybe this is at least part of why I write, take photos, blog. After all, barring some massive natural disaster like Internet falling apart under the heat of global warming, this is a very small chance that this blog post may exist when I don't. Viz, this is ROM.

This is it folks, my legacy, my gift to history, the exam submission on which my existence will be graded by future generations.

D-, could try harder.

Website of the Day:
Hey, you can get some lovely Oak Furniture at Chris Sharp Cabinets.

Track of the Day:
The randomiser re-discovered "Lady Grinning Soul" by Bowie tonight for me. A song so good it has its own Wikipedia page. Well done randomiser, must think of a better name for you, cause that's a rubbish name and you're not random either.

Job Title Madness

As those who know me will testify, I've never been too fussed with job titles. I've had a few and most are generally meaningless. I've always been a fan of a job title scheme based around animals Code Monkey, Sales Weasel, that kind of thing.

These may be ridiculous, but I have started to notice and even more ridiculous trend. Trying to make fairly uninteresting jobs sound more exotic by the use of a really over-stated job title. I was in a jewellers recently and was served by a very competent and pleasant person whose name badge proclaimed the title of 'Sales Executive'.

Now, I've worked in a shop before, I've stocked the shelves, bashed the till and NEVER, for a single second, did it EVER feel like I was doing anything vaguely 'executive' (it might have been that I had a brightly coloured sweatshirt on).

I've seen many other examples of this recently (none of which I can remember sadly, yeah, I know, not exactly well researched this post) but you all** know what I mean, I bet you've seen it too.

I'd like to think that no one is fooled by this, especially not those with the names on their lapels. Sure, it makes it better when you go home and tell your family what job you've just got.

You can see the Royle Family-esque scene were Anthony comes home and says "I've got a job as a Sales Executive" and his Mum and Nana both say "Oooh, Executive".

Thankfully, trusty old Jim would retort with "Executive my arse". Well said Jim.

I'm not having a go at the people with these silly titles. Far from it. Good luck to them all. I have to take issue with the idiot HR 'Executives' that think this kind of thing is a good idea. Are they fooling anyone? "Executive eh? Wonder if I'll get a car, maybe an M3?"

Sheesh.

Website of the day:
The art and photography of the amazing Laurin Rinder, because its his birthday today. And he's a bit good too.

Track of the day:
The Private Psychedelic Reel by the Chemical Brothers has stood the test of time well.
I'd also like to give a special pop-tastic commendation to 'Come Undone' by Duran Duran which just came on as I was typing.

** 'all' - who am I kidding!

Primeval Clapping

Have you ever written or typed a word and, despite it being something you have done many times, it just doesn't look right? So, you ask some "does that right?" and they look at you in a funny way.
On occassions, I think we all have moments when we look at commonplace things and they suddenly leap out as being absurd or stripped-down to what they really are. I even had a brief moment once when I was watching football and it looked like 22 blokes running about kicking a ball to no great purpose. After all, why is the space inside the goal different from any other?Thankfully, that on didn't last long.

One of the most profound of these moments I ever had was related to clapping. Clapping is an extremely commonplace thing. Humans tend to do it for pretty much any reason (especially if they are in a game show audience). It is a sign of welcome/adulation/happiness and generally speaking a positive thing in all but its slow form.

But have you ever had a moment when you have seen people clapping and it looks like some form of mass hysteria when a bunch of people are just sitting/standing banging their hand together to make a noise? It seems to me to be an enormously primeval thing. A throwback to a more animal time, perhaps pre-speech?

As usual, I have no idea on the science of this, doubtless it has been researched and countless papers written, but I can't think of any other similar habits that we have as humans that are so basic (football supporting aside). Maybe I'll try and find the science...maybe not.

Clapping is just plain odd. The next time you do it, just stop for a second and ask yourself "What the hell am I doing?"

Blogger's Block

I've not been blogging much lately. Mainly because I'm back working on the book in most of my spare time. Good news is that I've knocked off quite a bit of the To-Do list and I'm about to embark on the second re-read. Although I'll probably miss my self-imposed deadline for submission of the end March.
Been doing quite a bit on Bimbogami too, its starting to look really good. I'm quite looking forward seeing it live.
Started work on a new scottliddell.net, decided its going to be a photography only site. Luckily, I have plenty of content, just need to get it all down to web compatible sizes.
As soon as the BM is submitted for rejection to a few places I'm going full bung at Terra Exitus, I'm really looking forward to the blank sheet of paper again.

"He dipped the pen into the ink and then faltered for just a second. A tremor had gone through his bowels. To mark the paper was the decisive act."

So, there you go, nothing to blog about other than the reasons I haven't been blogging. Pathetic, but its content. Of a sort.

Website of the Day:
How good is this?

Track of the Day:
"To their Mother's they sing Stop Mithering!"

The Emperor's New Vocabulary

Many years ago, I attended a conference in Amsterdam. I knew one of the people presenting so, a week or so before I warned him that I didn't want his presentation to feature of the words 'leverage' or 'synergy'. When the day arrived, before he started, he got me to stand up in front of the assembled throng and declared that his presentation wouldn't feature these words as I had banned them. Muted chuckling. Little did I know that EVERY senior manager who stood up thereafter had used these words in their slides and apologised each time.
Thus started my limited and ultimately fruitless campaign for plain English in business. Things have gone from bad to worse and now leveraging synergies seems wonderfully prosaic.
That said, the point of this post is not necessarily about the direct abuse of language, but lets start with that anyway.

GuffSpeak
Clearly, there is much to despise. I rue the day when "we'll take it offline" replaced "I'll talk to you later". Why oh why are people "across" things now? What on earth does "Yes, I'm across that piece". Piece! Where did that come from? "Space" was bad enough. "Yes, I'm working in the internet space." Obfuscation space would be nearer the truth.
There are many more examples and doubtless far greater commentaries on this available elsewhere, so I'm not going to get all listy for the sake of it. We all know what I'm talking about.

Conforming
One of the most horrifying things about this newspeak garbage is that we all get sucked in (yes, even me). I'm find myself saying these things and have internal shrieks of contrition. No one ever says "What the be-jesus does 'take it offline' mean? I'm not online, I'm sitting at a desk, you twonk." No, we go along with it, join in to conform. Why not, its probably not worth the hassle.

NumptySpeak
And finally I'll get to my point. I have a feeling that all this newspeak nonsense is a way that otherwise stupid and content free people can make themselves sound inciteful and intelligent. Somehow avoiding obvious phrases and using these new forms of business mumbo-jumbo gives people a whole different aura. "Listen to me, I talk like a highly paid consultant, I have value, don't I, well, don't I?".

I am reminded of some media training I did long time ago. The theory was that, when doing an interview, you think of it as crossing a river and you only ever talk about the 'islands' in the river. So, whatever the question, just go to the nearest island to the question and start talking. I've tried it. It works.
I think these new phrases have become vocabulary islands. Things to say when useful content isn't available but some form of response seems necessary. Rather than uhm-ing and aah-ing, you can fill air time with some meaningless drivel that at least sounds clever. Its a veneer to impress/convince, nothing more.

As as aside, there is also much fun to had with this. Myself and Dame Judy Rubberbun* once went into such a numpty meeting having made up the word 'revantor' (sic) allegedly meaning a member of staff currently earning money/revenue from a customer. We used it. No one blinked. We heard a rumour that others had started to use it too. Fact is, the dumb ones usually think they don't know what it means so say nothing. Try it, make up some words, its a hoot.

There are other non-verbal meeting islands to look out for in numpty meetings too. Watch out for people who take copious notes but say nothing. Note taking makes them feel like that are taking part in the meeting. Also, ticking things of lists as the meeting progresses, that's a great one also.

I'm not saying that everyone who uses these phrases is useless. The main problem is that the long grass of language provides useful camouflage for the numpty and, for that alone, I deplore it. Listen carefully in meetings. You'll hear it. You'll see who they are. You'll despise them. (If you don't already).

That's me been across my piece of my Internet space tonight and I've achieved it within the target timeframe. Shame I wasn't revanating.

* Yes, I know, private jokes aren't clever, but he has no web footprint at all to point at, I know, I ask you...

Unintelligent Design

I'm an atheist. Its not something I generally shout or pontificate about, atheists tend not to, as pointed out by Richard Dawkins in the marvellous The God Delusion.
I'm not here (yet) to go off an any particular anti-religious rant, I just felt the urge to point out something that occured to me recently. Evolution has done some pretty daft things. Which made me think that the whole counter argument of Intelligent Design makes even less sense (if that was possible). You see, some designs are simply 'unintelligent'.
No, before I go any further, I must apologise to all those who have doubtless pointed this out before. But it was on my mind so I going to have my own go at it. What else are blogs for?

Example 1
The thing that triggered this was, strangely, Happy Feet. I saw this shortly after I had revisited the plight of the penguins in the unerringly excellent Planet Earth. Sitting in the cinema, it gives you more than enough time to contemplate quite what a ridiculous ordeal those poor bugger penguins have to go through. -40C, howling snow storms, standing on ice, no food, standing perfectly still for the whole winter, in the dark. No TV. That doesn't strike me as particularly intelligent design. Lets face is, there are LOTS of other places on earth to have a go at that. Nicer places, with fish, sun, maybe some earth. If you were going to go about things 'intellgently' you just wouldn't come up with nonsense like that.

Example 2
"OK guys, here's the deal, we're going to make you one of the sea's biggest and best predators."
"Nice, luvin' it, luvin' it."
"You're really big, large row of teeth, huge brain, biggest on the planet and a really cool sonar thing."
"SCORE, we are rockin'..what are we called?"
"Eh...you're a whale, a Sperm Whale."
"Nice, right, thanks we're off..."
"Eh...hang on...one thing..."
"Yeah, what?"
"Eh...the stuff you eat is REALLY deep in the sea."
"Yeah, whatever, so..."
"And you can only breath air."
"What?"
"You can only breath air."
"You we heard."
"Do we get lights?"

The this doesn't make much sense as a design either. There hardly seems a point to put an air breathing mammal in the sea (any of them). I can't see who you would ever sit down and think, "We'll have lots of big sea guys, but lets make it really hard for them and make them breathe air." Wouldn't happen. I've seen some people do some pretty dumb designs in my time, but nothing as dumb as that.

Example 3
The Magicicada. Wait 17 years, fly about a bit. Die. Genius.

But that is the beauty of evolution. It matters not a jot whether not it is intelligent, it just matters if it works and, crucially, works better than the other creatures trying to survive doing roughly the same thing.

It is the inherent randomness in the genetic variation that can produce animals that are forced to endure quite ridiculous circumstances, not because it makes sense, just because it works, they survive.

This is obviously just a glib argument based on the nuances of the word 'intelligent', but you simply have to rejoice in the wonderful, inherent randomness of it all.

But you also have to give all your sympathies to the myriad of creatures whose 'designs' were even worse and meant they didn't survive. What on earth could have been going on with them?

The Unexpected Attractiveness of Random Broadcast Media

Driving home tonight listening to XFM we were pleased to hear the sudden appearance of This Charming Man by The Smiths. Clearly, a classic, but not often heard on the radio. Silence fell in the car, all talking stopped and, after a brief moment of listening, we sang along for all we were worth. ( until Heather Suttie talked over the end and then cut off the last bit, sheesh. )
The thing is, I could listen that song any time I wanted, I have the MP3 on my phone. But for some reason, because it appeared randomly on the radio, it was all the more welcome.
I've noticed this often over the years when a radio station manages to play something half decent for a change.
The same applies to TV. I will often be delighted to see a film* appear in the regular schedules and make sure to watch it, even though:

• I will have seen it umpteen times before
• I own it on DVD

This often still applies when I have to sit through all the adverts, I don't just put the DVD on and watch it at the same time, I watch the broadcast version.

Maybe its just me. Am I odd? Let the nation decide...

* usually Apollo 13

Turner Prize Nomination

Many silly, pointless things get nominated for the Turner Prize.
I think art should be a thing of beauty, something that affects you emotionally, fills you with awe and wonder.

Therefore, I'd like to nominate Denis Bergkamp's goal against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup. Maybe I'd need to get it played on a loop on a large screen in an empty room, but here it is in dodgy video (doesn't do it justice) on YouTube. This is art, this is beauty. Amazing.



Now don't you try and tell me anything Tracy Emin has EVER done is even vaguely that good.

Frank Who?

My love of all things space is known to most who know me, so I suppose it is a little surprising that I have yet to comment on such matters herein. Time to put that right.
I am hugely interested in the US Manned missons on the 60's, Mercury through to Apollo not only as an engineering marvel but also for the human endeavour. Obviously, the moon landings themselves take most of the public interest, in my opinion, by far the most impressive of all missions was Apollo 8.
Let's put this into a little context. There had been a fire during a test, later to be called Apollo 1 which had set the plan back (and most say to good effect) a long way. There had been a few unmanned tests and one manned orbital mission Apollo 7 which was not even the full configuration. With things running late and the end of the decade target at risk, time needed to be made up. It was time for one of the best management decisions imaginable. George Low proposed that Apollo 8 go to the moon. Only the 2nd ever flight. The lunar module was late and not going to be ready on schedule so they could make up overall time in the plan this way.
I love this because it is exactly the right kind of management decision, a perfect balance of risk and opportunity. Looked at now with the Shuttle disasters behind us, it could look a little foolhardy but the mission modification itself was still a well thought out proposal. If you are ever seeking inspiration for how to take a technology program forward, look at Apollo 8 and you will wonder what your dilemma is all about. This is real decision making. There was only one true risk, that the engine wouldn't fire and get them out of lunar orbit. But this was a risk inherent in the Apollo design, so didn't have be any more or less risky with Apollo 8. The simplicity of the engine (virtually no moving parts at all) had made this possibility as risk free as it possibly could.
Frank Borman commanded Apollo 8. Its not a name that many will have heard of but he stands out for me as the number 1 astronaut of that time. Not only because of his flight in Gemini or Apollo but mainly for the work he did after the fire, in the investigation and beyond.
Apollo 8 was a resounding success with some notable firsts, especially the first earthrise picture. The Christmas day broadcast from the moon is also strangely chilling, even for me who isn't at all religious.

It wouldn't do it justice to talk about Apollo 8 here but I would encourage you to read the superb Wikipedia page and, of course, Andrew Chaikin's excellent book A Man On The Moon.

The story of Apollo 8 is not told enough and it is one that anyone in management should read and understand, it shows what can happen when you take your own personal fear of failure out of the equation and make choices based on good solid thinking.

Website of the Day:
Suppose it has to be this!

Track of the Day:
"Meet Za Monsta" by PJ Harvey was particularly splendid tonight.

The uselessness of modern man

Hey wow, look at me, typing into this computer, blogging if you don't know. I've got qualifications you know, I know so much stuff, I am the modern man, OK, not in that metrosexual way, but I am a man of technology, I know stuff, I can do stuff, I am going for the record for the most link to Wikipedia from any blog ever. Beat that!
And yet, I am intrinsically useless.
Have you ever wandered what use to society you would be if we were bombed/heated/plagued/bored/asteroided(?) back to the stone age?
So far, the list I have compiled is pretty small, I have:

• Eat me as food
• Use me as ballast (for an, as yet, unknown purpose)
• Use me as fuel for a fire (although someone else will have to light it as I've never managed that skill before, my Dad had a lighter)
  

Of course, I'm going to claim this isn't my fault, the sequential nature of society being as it is, I can quite easily leach off the shoulders of giants. Why not? Everyone else has, even Isaac Newton ( although he did stick pins in his eyes and try to make gold so he's not necessarily to be trusted).



"Oi, Mildred, Barry says they've lost the ability to make bullets and those feathery dart thingies"


I would, however, like to be more useful to that future perilous society, but sadly, they ain't going to have much use for us 21st century technophiles. Its going to be a simple questionnaire (presumably scribbled on a rock using, well, another rock, a sharp one).

1. Can you catch stuff to eat? (y/n)
2. Can you cook stuff once you have caught it? (y/n)
3. Can you make anything useful? (y/n) (Note: putting up shelves doesn't count, we don't have walls)

Its not going to well is it? "Three n's? Throw yourself on that fire, there's a good chap."

Personally, I blame the education system. What use is an honours degree in Electical Engineering in a post-apocalyptic wilderness when you don't have the slightest clue about how to make it? You can see it now...

"Don't worry folks, degree education, just get me a magnet and some wire and we'll have some leccy before you can say Michael Faraday "

And you can see their poor, forlorn faces as the walk off into the distance to kill what remains of the wildlife.

"Twat".

Yes, I don't know how to make a magnet and short of saying "That rock is green, that might have copper in it", the chances of me getting any wire are a little remote.

Its not all doom and gloom. There is obviously much to celebrate in this new, stark, world, here's my top five:

1. Tracy Emin would be more useless than me as she isn't even worth eating, she'd just be killed for sport to relieve the boredom.
2. Ditto for Pete Docherty.
3. The Americans have already killed all the buffalo, boy will they regret that.
4. We have an opportunity to create a new world without politicans
5. Ray Mears would be the hottest man on the planet and would have a harem of over 2000 women. I think there is something pleasing about that. He put the effort in, he deserves it.

Note, neither Emin or Docherty are getting a link, pointless as they are.

This scenario does also provide one other wonderful irony, those people in the current 3rd world know how to look after themselves better than we do so there would be a swap, 3rd world would become 1st world and vice versa (no one knows where the 2nd world is, but they'll be fine, they know how to handle potatoes).

So, what to do? Should I buy a Swiss Army Knife? Go native for a while? No. I have a plan.

People love sarcasm and rubbing other people's noses in it, so I'm going to stockpile T-Shirts with slogans like "What use is your iPod now fat boy?" and swap them for food with people who know what they are doing. And therein lies the answer to it all, if you understand the nature of humans, you will always have a way out, always have an answer.

Maybe I not quite that useless after all...

( yes, I left that deliberately hanging in that way to make it easy for you to lambast me in any follow-up comments, as I said, I know what you lot are like)

Humbled by association

This post serves a very simple purpose. To thank my very good friend DonP for all his help and support over the last few years. He really is a diamond. Recently, he put me forward to become a Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts.
Last week I got the news that it had been successful, and I am now Scott Liddell BEng FRSA.
When you look at the people who have been and still are Fellows then its a little humbling, to say the least.
Groucho Marx aside, I'm very much looking forward to seeing how I can get involved.

Blogzones

Given the somewhat random subject matter herein, I thought I would introduce some simple categorisation so its easier to find content related to given subject areas. These are (so far):

• Photography
• Writing
• Technology
• Showcase - a personal celebration of things I like
  
• Zeitgeist (everything else)
  

T-Shirt Empire

I was reminded recently of CafePress which led me to remember I set up a shop on there once. The idea was to have T-Shirts with eye charts on them that were actually sayings/slogans. Obviously, being me, I did one design (and some people got them for Xmas) and forgot about it.
I just logged back in tonight to found I had actually sold 2 and made $4! Goodness gracious, perhaps my career in fashion was curtailed too early.

While I'm on, some nice new Eurovision photo usage examples:

• Dutch Windows and Floors
• Finnish Pizza

Website of the Day:
Some shameless self-promotion, my newly updated Times Tables Tutor
Track of the Day:
Has to be Henrietta by The Fratellis
( oh, hang on, as that was publishing the great randomiser put Junior Kickstart by The Go Team on, that might be a draw tonight )

Magic Moments

At the risk of going a bit 'listy'.
I was listening to 'The Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley the other day and as ever, particularly enjoyed the bit in the song where he sings "Did you say no, this cant happen to me" and it got me thinking, what the individual moments in songs that I like. So, I'm going to use this post to record them all as I think of them. I encourage my reader to add his too.
So here goes:

1. "Did you say no, this can't happen to me" - Last Goodbye - Jeff Buckley
2. The very start of the first chorus - Long Distance, Turin Brakes
3. The quiet bit just before "installed by the machine" (then the synths come up with an 80's-tastic retro hit) - P-Machinery - Propaganda
4. "it's gonna be a glorious day." - Lucky - Radiohead
5. "Lick my legs of desire." - Rid Of Me - PJ Harvey
6. "You're not alone" - Rock and Roll Suicide - David Bowie
7. "Wap wap wap waaaahhhh!" - Henrietta - The Fratellis
8. The key change just before the end - Good Thing - The Woodentops
9. "And you could have it all, my empire of dirt" - Hurt - the Johnny Cash version
10. When the bass joins in - Two Tribes - Frankie Goes to Hollywood
11. Right at the end of the choral bit - America, What Time is Love - The KLF
12. "Waiting my whole life for just one...Day...." - Add It Up - The Violent Femmes
    

I can hear Stuart scoffing now...

Lick my legs I'm on fire

Have you ever looked into the eyes of sheep?
They seem to know more than you would expect.
This one knows, you can tell.


"Blogging the Ionesco way."

Gadget-tastic

Finally got round to playing with my latest gadget, a USB turntable (which I got all the way back on Father's Day). Very easy to get up and running.
The first album to get the digital encoding treatment was Virgins and Philistines by the Colourfield. It worked really well, and now I can finally listen to The Hammond Song again. Now to track down all the vinyl that I haven't already bought on CD. I'm off up into the loft.

Wigs

Really. What is the point of wigs?
Here's an idea. When someone goes to buy a wig, give them counselling instead.
Poor misguided buffoons.

The Butterfly Effect

"Yeah, we know, chaos and that."
Well no. This is a different one. Although not without an element of chaos.
This butterfly effect is all about flitting from flower to flower. And is the perfect analogy for what I have to fight against most. In short, I try to do too many things and ultimately have a challenge finishing. Despite this, I do get a lot done but in the limited spare time I have, its always easier to move on the next flower.
Not that I necessarily have the attention span of a gnat (to extend the insect thing a little too far). Those who most likely to read this know that I finished a novel of nearly 80,000 words. No small feat in itself. But, despite being 'finished' in one sense, it is far from complete and needs quite a bit of work. Work that I can't seem to find the gumption to do. This blog is, in itself, just another flower for the butterfly to flit to.
Thing is, I know the problem and can generally deal with it pretty well. My list of deliverables for this week is going pretty well, although tonight could have been better employed. I am tough on myself though, I do work all day, pretty much every day, so keeping up a nighttime work regime isn't easy, especially when there's football on.
Still, I'm pressing on with things and the book, as decidedly average as it is well need to stay unedited for a while yet.
Thing is, I started laying out the plot for a new one last night. The current working title is "20 Questions" and its panning out quite well so far.
"Oh look! A pretty flower..."

Website of the Day:
www.wikipedia.org (its just plain great)

Track of the Night:
Farmyard Connection - Fun Boy Three (its just plain great and I really should have the 12" single all those years ago)

Athletic? Moi?

Friday. "Dress down" day.
Only one thought. Why do they make men's clothes with the word 'Athletic' on them in XXL+ sizes?

The Radius of Mosh

I suspect that blogs should probably reveal something to the reader about the life of the blogger and thereby giving some sort of insight. So here goes, some actual stuff.

This week I went to a couple of gigs at T on the Fringe in Edinburgh. Radiohead and Muse. Seen them both before so wasn't expecting to be surprised. There was nothing particularly surprising about the bands themselves. Radiohead once again did 50% of the best gig ever, the other 50% being filled with the stuff you really want to like but will only vaguely work lying in a darkened room. Standing in the middle of a field it just doesn't do it.

Muse on the, other hand, did exactly what you are after, all the good ones. Excellent stuff.

Which brings me on to the surprise. I went with my very good friend and colleague Steve Mc. We wandered in, picked a spot and waiting for the action. Support band came and went and are not worthy of comment. Then Muse came on and the place started to jump. It was obvious that we had under-estimated the radius of mosh (the distance from the stage inside which listening to a concert becomes a fight for survival against the thrashing, spotty hoardes). I didn't like it much, I was going to lose a tooth. I suppose it was never really my thing. After the first song, we retreated to a safer distance and all was well.

Thing is, if I want to have that experience, it will be much cheaper/easier to stand for a few hours in my living room, put the album on and listen to it while a small gang of midgets hit me with sticks while pouring beer on my head. You find the midgets and we'll have a ball.

In The Beginning...

You could argue that the modern version of the chicken or egg conundrum is "What comes first having a blog or having something to write in it?". I've played with blogging before but never with the intention of actually having a blog. Remaining convinced that I have nothing much to blog about, I have resisted. But then I thought "why not create one and see what happens". So here it is, scott.liddell.blog.